The Darkest Secret

You might notice the historical references... just thought I'd point out the fact there are some in there. Based on the lack of anaphora, some of you might realize that this one is older. Indeed it is. I wrote this early in the year 2011. I didn't find out that my father was dead until DECEMBER 10th, 2010, and I didn't have time to really absorb my emotions for a good deal of time.

The energy contained in the angst here feels so significant it could power every city in the US.

I didn't quite get the last line, "As my father died by my own hand, I ask that so shall I." The way you write this one gives the impression that the person speaking was responsible for his father's death.

Well, I feel that I was. He was depressed, and I was the reason why he was depressed. A series of very unfortunate events happened to cause his death. First, in 2000, he tore all but one of his tendins in his right knee. The surgeon who normally operated on the members of the Bengals football team was so close to amputating it, but he decided to stitch it back together. From that point forward, he was no longer able to walk without crutches. In 2001, my parents divorced and I never saw him alive again. He became so depressed because he was not seeing us that by the time he died he was upwards of 600 pounds living in a homeless shelter in Cincinnati. The neighbors told me that he really missed me and my brother. He must really have, because I found a picture from 11 years ago on his refridgerator of me and my brother. I blame myself for letting my mom teach me to hate him. I blame myself for letting him die. It may not be my fault, but I still don't know that.

Heh... I got so emotional, I forgot to mention what the tendins had to do with his death. He got a blood clot in that leg. Had it been amputated, he'd still be alive, I'd still hate him, and he'd still be depressed, living in a homeless shelter.

That is indeed a powerful narrative, and a lot for anyone to be carrying around with them in terms of guilt and blame...

Hi

I really like this it has  very strong ending and also keeps the reader reading which is the main thing.

great stuff

Marcus

I also like hte strong ending. Deep and emotional, I love it.

Thank you.

As usual, brilliant. The personal touches really add to the atmosphere of the poem, amazing.

Thanks.

I feel terrible! I typed in the wrong birth date! Before, I had it posted that he was born May 25th, and it was really May 29th. I'm his firstborn son, I should know these things! I shall shun myself for all eternity.

Thanks, blue.

The bare ache of gnawing guilt in this poem, that you have actually lived it, is most evident in the line  "the relief was nonexistent and I only felt naked". Only someone that has sought relief and found there really is none (unless you forgive yourself) would know this condition. Nice work.

Thank you.