deepundergroundpoetry.com
inadvertant class reunion
yeh yeh
you don't wanna know a tramp like me
i've seen too much
i've been down too hard
shotgun in the mouth
of this blue collar town
every heart is in
the local pawn shop for a couple of bucks
to pay the light bill
or some get high
prolly one and the same
nobody cares about your former football stats
from high school
the plant closed down
there seems to be a cocaine craze
what the fuck else
were you suppost to do
don't worry i know
pushin 35
but atleast you're alive
the 1 bedroom is more than you could
to see a child
who's shortly turning 5
no health insurance and the re occurrence
of being dropped off at the bar
yeah you got that in your pocket pops
yeah
if moms thought i was a good scarecrow
to ward off the birds
that drop tail around here
don't tell her she was wrong
but tell amy and her daughter i said hi
you always taught us to be soldiers
yeh lil sgt. james and john...
we get it on
yeh
the same
as you do home
throwin shots right back
at anybody
who indirectly says our name
who has any insight
into our shitty lil life
i check the mirror
and i look just like you
i look just like they do
tryin to change my hair
my friends
my drink
my clothes
my car
my love
my life
my face
stickin up for the black guy
just because i wanna put the redneck in his place
homie you can stay
let's play
some biggie smalls and dire straits
biggie who? dire what?
all i know is in school you were a slut
you slept with my girlfriend more than once
you might have saved my ass from the crowd
for now
shit wow!
but with your guitar playin
and rhyme sayin
i'd thought you would have left this town...............
you don't wanna know a tramp like me
i've seen too much
i've been down too hard
shotgun in the mouth
of this blue collar town
every heart is in
the local pawn shop for a couple of bucks
to pay the light bill
or some get high
prolly one and the same
nobody cares about your former football stats
from high school
the plant closed down
there seems to be a cocaine craze
what the fuck else
were you suppost to do
don't worry i know
pushin 35
but atleast you're alive
the 1 bedroom is more than you could
to see a child
who's shortly turning 5
no health insurance and the re occurrence
of being dropped off at the bar
yeah you got that in your pocket pops
yeah
if moms thought i was a good scarecrow
to ward off the birds
that drop tail around here
don't tell her she was wrong
but tell amy and her daughter i said hi
you always taught us to be soldiers
yeh lil sgt. james and john...
we get it on
yeh
the same
as you do home
throwin shots right back
at anybody
who indirectly says our name
who has any insight
into our shitty lil life
i check the mirror
and i look just like you
i look just like they do
tryin to change my hair
my friends
my drink
my clothes
my car
my love
my life
my face
stickin up for the black guy
just because i wanna put the redneck in his place
homie you can stay
let's play
some biggie smalls and dire straits
biggie who? dire what?
all i know is in school you were a slut
you slept with my girlfriend more than once
you might have saved my ass from the crowd
for now
shit wow!
but with your guitar playin
and rhyme sayin
i'd thought you would have left this town...............
Published 30th Mar 2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 5
reading list entries 1
comments 6
reads 205
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
30th Mar 2013 5:43am
3rd Apr 2013 6:31am
JR, alright my dude, im going to give you my two cents, that ain't worth a penny.
well, I been familiar with you and your writing for a bunch of weeks now and enjoy the dialogue and fuck-around-writes that we exchange in messages...the reason I say this is because I don't have much to say about this write specifically but more so what I am sense from you as a writer in general.
I first became aware of you with the battle rap comp that you ran. you clearly had a solid hip hop background, and knew how to write out the flow from your particular style...it is easy to hear your cadences and flow, which I think is actually kind of hard to do... I find that a lot of writers from a heavy freestyle, cypher, battle type background, have a hard time translating well into written verse... I was impressed that you translated well for me.
but then by following your more "serious" writes (the writes you post),I see that you are also beyond just a hip hop freestyle piece, but maintain the rhythms and flows from it. I also see that you are evolving very quickly in my opinion. first you write a lot, which is obviously so important, then it seems that you are open to suggestions and are not rigid in your structure...it seems to be like you are willing to move things around, and try knew things. Also it seems like you are pretty inspired right now, which is a super dope thing to see in a peer in any artform.
all this babbling leads up to me saying, that what I sense as working the most for me in your writes is the personality. I sense an ongoing voice throughout your writes, and the snippets of imagery that you project start to build up a believable character or personality...doesn't hurt at all that it's a character that I relate to easily and like...it seems like a character that I could drink cheap whiskey with and rip the fucking town apart with...obviously I like that, and also think it lends itself to a sort of rogue's romance in writing
that being said, I think these writes are a little lacking in cohesion, and a bit disjointed. I think they could use a little bit more scrutiny with editing, chopping off some unnecessary wording, and just a little polishing in general. also I would love to see if you could be bit more premeditated, not always off the cuff, maybe more concept driven.
BUT-
although I have them couple silly opinions, I also think there is good bit that is "alive" in these writes... I think you do "off the cuff" well enough that is carries these pretty far...again that personality I talked about comes through, there is a sincerity that come through for me, there is an excitement in the fly by the seat of your pants feel you have, and you also can bring out that experience you have with freestyle rhyming to create bits of meter and/or rhythm that give an internal structure to the things with sound...all in all, pretty dope things that I am interested in keeping up with.
ha, so I babble for the sake of dialogue,
and for my inebriation, and for the lack of my shyness.... digging your shit JR, I babble cause I do
cheers!
well, I been familiar with you and your writing for a bunch of weeks now and enjoy the dialogue and fuck-around-writes that we exchange in messages...the reason I say this is because I don't have much to say about this write specifically but more so what I am sense from you as a writer in general.
I first became aware of you with the battle rap comp that you ran. you clearly had a solid hip hop background, and knew how to write out the flow from your particular style...it is easy to hear your cadences and flow, which I think is actually kind of hard to do... I find that a lot of writers from a heavy freestyle, cypher, battle type background, have a hard time translating well into written verse... I was impressed that you translated well for me.
but then by following your more "serious" writes (the writes you post),I see that you are also beyond just a hip hop freestyle piece, but maintain the rhythms and flows from it. I also see that you are evolving very quickly in my opinion. first you write a lot, which is obviously so important, then it seems that you are open to suggestions and are not rigid in your structure...it seems to be like you are willing to move things around, and try knew things. Also it seems like you are pretty inspired right now, which is a super dope thing to see in a peer in any artform.
all this babbling leads up to me saying, that what I sense as working the most for me in your writes is the personality. I sense an ongoing voice throughout your writes, and the snippets of imagery that you project start to build up a believable character or personality...doesn't hurt at all that it's a character that I relate to easily and like...it seems like a character that I could drink cheap whiskey with and rip the fucking town apart with...obviously I like that, and also think it lends itself to a sort of rogue's romance in writing
that being said, I think these writes are a little lacking in cohesion, and a bit disjointed. I think they could use a little bit more scrutiny with editing, chopping off some unnecessary wording, and just a little polishing in general. also I would love to see if you could be bit more premeditated, not always off the cuff, maybe more concept driven.
BUT-
although I have them couple silly opinions, I also think there is good bit that is "alive" in these writes... I think you do "off the cuff" well enough that is carries these pretty far...again that personality I talked about comes through, there is a sincerity that come through for me, there is an excitement in the fly by the seat of your pants feel you have, and you also can bring out that experience you have with freestyle rhyming to create bits of meter and/or rhythm that give an internal structure to the things with sound...all in all, pretty dope things that I am interested in keeping up with.
ha, so I babble for the sake of dialogue,
and for my inebriation, and for the lack of my shyness.... digging your shit JR, I babble cause I do
cheers!
3rd Apr 2013 6:35am
thanx brotha. i appreciate your comments and efforts are def in the works to stick to the script more and be more than a page ripped from the middle. conflicting ideas and racing thoughts fo real get the best of me. i really need more patience and editing. i'm on it. i'm glad that the continuing personality follows through for you. if at the least i would like to be consistent with that. thanx man. your comments are highly appreciated and well taken......
Anonymous
- Edited 16th May 2018 10:05pm
30th Mar 2013 7:43am
<< post removed >>
16th Apr 2013 4:00am
Biggie Smalls and Dire Straits. BBQ music. Dead company towns...
America as called out through the lens view of a dusty bottle of hooch.
I've come to realize that while everyone's work requires a certain process of adjustment in order to vibe to the ambience of it... your work needs to be accompanied with music videos. The entrance fee of which would be cases upon cases of hard liquor.
America as called out through the lens view of a dusty bottle of hooch.
I've come to realize that while everyone's work requires a certain process of adjustment in order to vibe to the ambience of it... your work needs to be accompanied with music videos. The entrance fee of which would be cases upon cases of hard liquor.
