deepundergroundpoetry.com
But i hate you so no.
I'm a broken vessel
with shattered bones
but i'll keep on this journey
so you'll never be alone
and if time takes me
then I hope it doesn't take you
because you could do the greatest things
anyone could ever do
And with the stars stirring
inside your tired heart
you could repair this world
the moment it falls apart
And with the galaxy spreading
over your porcelain skin
You could become the sea, the waves
and all thats within
with shattered bones
but i'll keep on this journey
so you'll never be alone
and if time takes me
then I hope it doesn't take you
because you could do the greatest things
anyone could ever do
And with the stars stirring
inside your tired heart
you could repair this world
the moment it falls apart
And with the galaxy spreading
over your porcelain skin
You could become the sea, the waves
and all thats within
Published 29th Mar 2013
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likes 5
reading list entries 1
comments 4
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
29th Mar 2013 6:48pm
29th Mar 2013 9:48pm
30th Mar 2013 3:03am
A good attempt. I like that you are applying rhyme. It's basic but I can see your working at it. This is good.
Both stanza's hold a sense of mystery. They have a rising emotion to them and I find them engaging on a certain level.
Yet, I find no conclusion, no explanation, no reason to your rhyme. I get an impression that your title is aiming for irony and holds the punch line but I believe your poem deserves more definition, certainly towards the end (more stanzas?), plus a more appropriate title that does not appear as juvenile as I find it. (It may be that you are young and my years make me old. If this is the case please forgive me).
Both stanza's hold a sense of mystery. They have a rising emotion to them and I find them engaging on a certain level.
Yet, I find no conclusion, no explanation, no reason to your rhyme. I get an impression that your title is aiming for irony and holds the punch line but I believe your poem deserves more definition, certainly towards the end (more stanzas?), plus a more appropriate title that does not appear as juvenile as I find it. (It may be that you are young and my years make me old. If this is the case please forgive me).
5th Apr 2013 6:22am
