deepundergroundpoetry.com
Internal battle
Mind is a jumble, deep seeded thorough thoughtlessness. The scars left upon my emotions or lack thereof.
Internal battles fought with precedence, good and evil, both are equal these thoughts, where I come from.
Pros and cons, of consequences rendered upon the literary mind, the internal battle is what I find.
The thing most sought after, through the many years of hurt. The embrace of a lover. Embrace lost in time.
Evidence of fidelity and yearning of learning and time after time and line after line of an itching and burning... from a soul constantly returning, to a body maturing.
The poetic flow that courses my veins,
that nobody knows and I try to explain,
in my poems and writings my prose slams exciting,
on the unknowing mind,
who, as I speak gets lost in time. And the grime of the winding,
and perfection of timing, as my words carve your brain,
from my words you lay slain.
Shifty and gifted, my mind deeply twisted,
And infected perception, perfected inception, the depth of my flow...nobody knows, a rhyme within a rhyme, within a rhyme is how deep I will go.
My hands render, as my mind composes.
As my body reacts to my souls emotions
And my internal and external, meet with commotion... the man child exposed, punched dead square in the nose.
And as the tears drop and my fears stop, within and without he thinks nobody knows,
No one sees his pain, though it thoroughly shows.
Like worn on his sleeve, in public he bleeds,
As he pours his heart out, on paper so stout, to bear his heavy thoughts and heavy mind, as he gets lost in time. And runs out of lines.
Wasted youth...
of...
mine...
and slow....
to...
a...
stop...
He...
Grinds...
Internal battles fought with precedence, good and evil, both are equal these thoughts, where I come from.
Pros and cons, of consequences rendered upon the literary mind, the internal battle is what I find.
The thing most sought after, through the many years of hurt. The embrace of a lover. Embrace lost in time.
Evidence of fidelity and yearning of learning and time after time and line after line of an itching and burning... from a soul constantly returning, to a body maturing.
The poetic flow that courses my veins,
that nobody knows and I try to explain,
in my poems and writings my prose slams exciting,
on the unknowing mind,
who, as I speak gets lost in time. And the grime of the winding,
and perfection of timing, as my words carve your brain,
from my words you lay slain.
Shifty and gifted, my mind deeply twisted,
And infected perception, perfected inception, the depth of my flow...nobody knows, a rhyme within a rhyme, within a rhyme is how deep I will go.
My hands render, as my mind composes.
As my body reacts to my souls emotions
And my internal and external, meet with commotion... the man child exposed, punched dead square in the nose.
And as the tears drop and my fears stop, within and without he thinks nobody knows,
No one sees his pain, though it thoroughly shows.
Like worn on his sleeve, in public he bleeds,
As he pours his heart out, on paper so stout, to bear his heavy thoughts and heavy mind, as he gets lost in time. And runs out of lines.
Wasted youth...
of...
mine...
and slow....
to...
a...
stop...
He...
Grinds...
Published 21st Mar 2013
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comments 8
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Anonymous
- Edited 17th May 2018 7:38pm
21st Mar 2013 10:41pm
<< post removed >>
21st Mar 2013 10:59pm
Tankya much broomie.. I will tell you though.. Go check out "It's all in the name".. Very proud of that one.
30th Mar 2013 10:57pm
A fine and expressive work, Intricate_B! I liked epsecially the line that read:
"Internal battles fought with precedence, good and evil, both are equal these thoughts, where I come from."
That struck quite the chord with me personally! Since I have always regarded good and evil as equal forces, both defined more by us, than we are defined by them. Very good depth, in that single deceptively simple statement you made!
All in all, your poem was magnificent and very eloquently written. Methinks I will read more of your works shortly, and offer some more commentary on the ones I read! :)
"Internal battles fought with precedence, good and evil, both are equal these thoughts, where I come from."
That struck quite the chord with me personally! Since I have always regarded good and evil as equal forces, both defined more by us, than we are defined by them. Very good depth, in that single deceptively simple statement you made!
All in all, your poem was magnificent and very eloquently written. Methinks I will read more of your works shortly, and offer some more commentary on the ones I read! :)
31st Mar 2013 8:41am
31st Mar 2013 9:15am
I like your style on this poem,
it worked very effectively for the
subject.
Lots of great lines in here,
I especially liked:
The poetic flow that courses my veins,
that nobody knows and I try to explain,
in my poems and writings my prose slams exciting,
on the unknowing mind,
it worked very effectively for the
subject.
Lots of great lines in here,
I especially liked:
The poetic flow that courses my veins,
that nobody knows and I try to explain,
in my poems and writings my prose slams exciting,
on the unknowing mind,
31st Mar 2013 1:28pm
8th Apr 2013 3:34am
aight b. i like the flow and subject matter here. i still do believe tho that the structure could use some work. line breaks and or stanza format do a lot for the reader man. i don't like the line "my hands render". what do they render?. it possibly works depending on what sense of the word you mean but it just does'nt sound right. break those longer lines up bro. if you are going for a rhyme type of flow here i can totally see it.still it could be set up better so that the reader does'nt have to really try to connect the dots..i would also try to keep the language consistent."from my words you are slain" stands out like another 1 of those forced rhyme things.also stick wit a single view and then switch and stick with that one.
the back and forth between is' and mes' to his and hes' and then back again runs around in circles a bit and gets me stuck on the grammar rather then the message.try to expand your vocab. i'm not saying go read a dictionary but instead of saying mind 3 times you could use diff terminology to break it up a bit. generally over all i like but post write edit and structure of the composition would do a lot for reader interpretation.you have great potential and fantastic ideas bro. some fine tuning could def kick it off the chain.
sorry i'm longwinded. i just say what i think in the effort of progress. i think the ability to articulate positives and negatives of ideas helps give me a better sense of clarity with my own work....
write on. keep it up b. you def have some fire here. you just need to develop a good form of structure but don't lose your voice in the process.....good ish tho man. i look forward to more...
the back and forth between is' and mes' to his and hes' and then back again runs around in circles a bit and gets me stuck on the grammar rather then the message.try to expand your vocab. i'm not saying go read a dictionary but instead of saying mind 3 times you could use diff terminology to break it up a bit. generally over all i like but post write edit and structure of the composition would do a lot for reader interpretation.you have great potential and fantastic ideas bro. some fine tuning could def kick it off the chain.
sorry i'm longwinded. i just say what i think in the effort of progress. i think the ability to articulate positives and negatives of ideas helps give me a better sense of clarity with my own work....
write on. keep it up b. you def have some fire here. you just need to develop a good form of structure but don't lose your voice in the process.....good ish tho man. i look forward to more...
8th Apr 2013 4:54am
Thank you for the constructive criticism, homes.. Funny thing is, a lot of what you mentioned (format, forced rhyme, expanding vocab) I've been working on. I've been going to online thesauras.
I truly do appreciate the kind words. I do value your opinion. Constructive, and non consieted. And you know your shit.
Check out my newest couple of writes. You'll see a difference in format, and word use.
I truly do appreciate the kind words. I do value your opinion. Constructive, and non consieted. And you know your shit.
Check out my newest couple of writes. You'll see a difference in format, and word use.