I'm already dead

I know I shouldn’t feel this way…
I have a great life compared to most
But I can’t help it
I can’t help that I hate every little detail about myself from my head to my toes
I’m not perfect
I’m not a Barbie doll
And I’m not beautiful
I look at myself in the mirror and cry
I want to do something about my weight but just seeing myself makes me want to eat all the problems away
I try to exercise but when I do, I go too far, I exercise until I collapse…
I’m ugly. I’m fat. I’m worthless. I’m unimportant. I’m…. I’m nothing…..
There have been so many moments where I have wanted to end the suffering
To end the fake smiles, the “I’m okay’s”
To end my silent cries for help…
I’m depressed
I’m anxious
I’m… alone
It hurts to think these things about yourself, but it kills when someone says these things to your face
I have thought of so many ways to end my suffering…. Slitting my wrists… hanging myself… or just a drug overdose… it’s not like I don’t have the pills..
But something stops me every time…
My family… they have lost so much already, I can’t let them lose me
I thought I was getting better haha, I’m just getting worse
I’ve been crying myself to sleep lately…. I don’t know why
My depressions getting worse.. day by day..
I haven’t told anyone..
Mum thinks I’ve been doing so well..
My face is breaking out
My hair is falling out..
I’m under so much pressure with my school work, my weight, my looks and to make matters worse… I’m pretty sure my best friends…. My only friends mother hates me.. it just picks at me, because I know if she got to know me she would love me..
My friend she likes to play tricks… likes to keep secrets and not tell me things…. It really bothers me because this girl is like my sister and I share everything with her and I just wish she could do the same with me….. I know the day I lose her, I’ll lose myself…
I feel sick just looking in the mirror…. Is that normal?
I see all these girls on instagram just like me… some even worse
Some with “fat” “ugly” and “useless” carved into their body and it makes me think that I’m not alone
But it also makes me want to cut..
I haven’t cut in around 5 months, but I miss it.. the feeling… the feeling of the blade grazing across my pale skin as I shut my eyes tight and let all the feelings out
My friend says if I cut again she will never talk to me again
Is that real friendship?
She should love me relentlessly and want to help me even if I was cutting..
But I like this guy, well I love this guy
But he has a “girlfriend” I don’t know if she’s real or if I’m just not good enough for him…
It’s probably the last one… definitely
I love him and I can’t help it
I want him, so bad
But I can’t have him
I want to hug him tight… to press my lips against his… but that will never happen
I actually talked to him face to face for the first time the other day
It felt… amazing, I had been given a temporary high… he makes me happy
But I’m……
I don’t know what I am, I’m “ew”
But I have my music….
At least I have Eminem….
He understands…