the poisoned mind (hope and dream)

Anger is said to the poison of ones self, an infliction for the hate of others. Sadness as a deep hole and a long, winding tunnel of darkness. Emotions however just seem like tunnels and hills and ever volatile terrains of mixed extremes.

It is not easy to let my emotions go. There have been attempted murders to it, suppression, even sticking to one feeling. Seems it is impossible. Looking at the laughter, the joy, anger and sadness that still carry on upon the vast plain of humanity still carry on…at least what is left of it.

Society seems to grow in many different branches and the only one that seems to die ever-so slowly is compassion and self reservation. Its not to detest that outward-ness is not needed or that rights as a collective whole should not be conveyed and treated as such that we would expect for ourselves. Instead to expect that communities should come together and share notes with the news they get and the ins and outs of places that normally wouldn’t get out otherwise.

Timidness is such an understatement. Sure there are lack of resources and with the weight lacking there is an overly excessive weight of corruption on the other side of the scale. There is worry and thus priorities are made. With fear however, we collapse on ourselves and the bridges seem to burn in many directions.

Life I feel needs to balance out. It needs to slow down to see what it truly  needs. It would be like rushing into a math problem. sure you can immediately give an answer to “2+2” but you can’t immediately give an answer to “4 (3+9) -2 (5-3)”. Not many walk the world anymore. Its all auto-mechanics. There need-not be as much travel just to see a mountain. Its all on the internet. This feels empty.

When it is felt that things have become empty or things aren't the way they should be it just causes a lot of anxiety. I can’t relate much more than to how much the world is messed up. There is so much work that the time to enjoy and coexist seems almost eliminated. Even just to self-coexist. I think this is why I am depressed or lonely so much of the time.

Love alone has felt impossible and everything else difficult just because of who I am. Maybe the lack of compassion and love, and that its so far and few between like other wants or needs makes it feel like it would be an anomaly if it were to just actually happen.

I want to relate to others. I want to be on the side where I can just throw myself somewhere without the harsh consequences of the world. Let myself go in the many things I want to do. Not have to worry about resources so much and maybe be with some one in-person for once that I can love instead of anyone and most everyone wanting to just become distant for various reasons. I just feel the need to give love and feel good about it for once instead of wondering if anyone will like me for who I am and not for what I have.

This is my dream and I hope even before the day I die that this will one day happen.