WHAT YOU HAVE FAILED TO DO, HAS TAUGHT ME WELL

 He told me….
The other day that I am an orphan.
He told me….
That I no longer have a father.
And I said that I never did.
I am nobody’s little girl,
I am no one’s daughter,
I belong to no one,
I have no home.
I am a stray.
He laughed.
He told me that my life is like a soap opera,
And I said
“Hell is what you make it”.
He mocked my words.
But that day,
I marked his,
as I sat in the passenger’s side.
Glaring out the window;
tears might have been wailing up.
But not one time did I turn my face,
and show him what he had accomplished.
Something warm behind the glass;
touched my face,
and glistened from my teardrops.
Something warm.
Though, it could never conquer the coldness inside of his soul.
He curses god, and he breaks things.
And I laugh.
“Does this make you feel like a man?”
You fat sorry bastard!
That is the one thing that you never can.
You can never be anything more than these lines you have written in your book of misery.
Misery loves company,
stay the hell away from me.
Everything I hate about myself,
I got it from you.
I have become you.
I hate you….
You monster.
You know,
I can still remember a promise you made me long ago….
when I was young, and yet so naïve.
A promise that became nothing more than another lie.
And do you remember what that might be?
Well I never forgot,
never will.
But I learned never to take a fool by his word.
And yet when you came back,
you promised me that you would never again leave.
Daddy you never came back….
Because since that day you left,
my father has not returned home to me.
Yet 11 years later,
I still grieve because he died out there on the road.
My daddy never came home because he died long ago.
He drove that truck into the pits of Hell,
and this is what you have to inflict on your family.
And today,
your very presence….
it haunts me.
Oh sweet fires of agony;
blistering our hearts with your wicked words of betrayal.
Ha, and you like to think yourself a man?
Well….
where are your balls, when you are abusing your children and your wife?
You have always been too afraid to step up to the ones who do deserve to have shit tossed at them.
Yet….
you have always been the one who takes out all of your misery,
and you throw it at us.
You pussy.
You take it out on your family.
You make me sick.
What the hell are you?
What are you calling yourself these days?
I say you’re cold and sad….
Sadder then the great depression.
And much colder than the month of October.
Because your coldness will linger in this world long after your sorry ass is finally gone.
One thing I can say that I can thank you for though….
Is it the air that I breathe?
Naw, anybody can be a sperm donor.
Besides,
I do realize that you have been begrudging that to me,
every fucking day…. since the day I was born.
No, I want to thank you for the things that you have failed to do.
For it has taught me to step up and fear nothing.
And I fear nothing and no fucking one.
Your chicken shit ways have taught me to give this world hell as long as I am breathing.
Because as long as I have one breath left in my body,
no words will remain unspoken…
For it has been all of your lies has taught me to speak the truth… so help me God.
The one thing that might really set me free in this life.
But it is also the one thing that you never have and never will be.
Each raise of your fist….
Each hissing whisper….
Every echoing scream….
Could only take me as low as you are today.
All of your children have gone, and they have left home.
I am the one who remains.
I have remained longer than any of them had.
For these past nineteen, going on twenty years of pure hell….
And soon enough, I too will be gone.
And mother,
poor mother….
She has stuck around with your crazy bipolar, schizophrenic shit for six lifetimes of hell.
And soon enough,
she too will be going someplace where you can never hurt her again.
One day,
she will have a place to call home.
A place where god will love her,
the way you never did.
And she won’t even remember your sorry ass ever existed at all.
Then where is that going to leave you exactly?
Rotting away in your world of loneliness.
For you have isolated yourself….
From receiving the things that actually did matter in this life.
And you had so many things,
Things that a lot of men wish they could have….
or have back again.
But you,
you hated us all,
and we suffered every day….
why?
Because you never knew how to take responsibility for any of you fuck ups,
That is, you just kept fucking up.
Not one time did you take a tight grip on reality,
or the world that was crashing down around all of us.
Why?
Because you were too self centered,
as you held onto a pride you never even had.
Pride?
That comes in being a man, or that comes in being a woman.
Not a pussy.
Not a coward.
Not a wife….
And sure as hell not a child abuser.
And I’m going to have a son,
or I’m going to have a daughter one day.
And I’m going to give that baby everything that I can,
besides diapers and food to eat…..
But a satisfied heart.
I don’t trust the word of any man,
another thing, that you have taught me well.
So even if its daddy were to bail the way that you did us,
that child is still always going to have me from birth on up to the day that I die.
That child is always going to have arms to run to for safety and love.
Everything you never gave me,
everything I never had in this life,
and everything that you have failed to do….
That child would never miss out on any of that because it is already there.