rodent.

I haven't written in a while but don't hold back on killing this piece. I know it needs work :)

I don't like giving critique. Aside from spelling mistakes and any grammer issues I feel a poem is best in its raw form. What you write is often what is the best representation of your emotions. Basically its the most accurate way to get the message across. Any changes (in my opinion) dilute the orginal meaning.

I think this is a good piece as it is.

Thank you.

I'd be more inclined to ask what it is about this piece that you do not like?  What you expect to be criticized....?

It's biting metaphor leaves out nothing.

I'm not very sure.. I'm just always looking to better something.
Thanks :)

Many many thanks, Al.

I love poems that use the word bile! It's a quite good word. and love the imagery!

Thank you Alex :)

Thank you!
I took your advice and took out the punctuation's they were inconsistent. it looks much better now. :)

Actually unless ur being coy, this piece is exceptionally good! Dark, but good :)

thank you :)

So call-out warfare is a skill. There's stages, a process. Everyone kills, makes love, writes their own way.


I am tired of you
interrupting my sleeping patterns coming in unannounced  
leaving me a mess and expecting me to clean it
God you think you have it so hard  

"Kicking down the door" is how I refer to the first shell that drops from a 3 round burst. I like the connection that forms instantly here. Sleeping richly is like practicing balance: nobody on Earth does it enough. So first burst, you invest to roll and the piece is accessible.

Active reading comes with considering one's own expectations, as a separate entity from the work being digested. So right away is the awareness that the intruder could be a 4 OR 2 legged rodent. Murky clues, but the call-out gets to the cause celebre of your fray.

I must hand it to you  
it must be so sad and hard
having to scurry around through pink corridors  
eating bile and resting between the legs of prostitutes

Gigolos are just enhanced slackers. Trust fund princess are Brady Bunch level gigolos, forever attached to the teat. At this point in the piece it starts to pick up pace. Each sentence is a little longer, but still succinct. Details are distinct, still. Slacker human or rat? Still makes me think. Both are supreme mooches.

forever fearing the day you'll be met by the real Toms
the ones who will strip you of your flesh
and lap up the sad fluids in your body

In the battle of Us and Them it's ultimately the real people vs. the frauds. I leaned towards Toms being the London slang for cops here. The Buffalo Bill imagery that came with it invoked scenes of brutality that remained pungent even when reflecting on Tomcats and 4-legged rats. Mother nature is so vicious.

Sad fluids. No pity.
Please save it. There's caustic damage when a loathsome attack turns diplomatic after cold. Makes the target feel less humanely treated in the contrast. Good rhythm used when that ploy is with short sentences. 2nd shell of a 3 round burst is good. The first was scripted at the target's persona. The second touches the enemy's weak-ass heart.
 
but please save it
for your cries spew like disease
and I'd rather listen to the blood hiss from you as cold determined wire snaps your neck


HAHAHAH! Okay, chops are hottest when they can paint a scene with sound AND texture so this last shot dropped the hammer hard!


This is the first piece of yours I've read so I'll check out some more and see. BUT... on first impression, was this intended to be a single-burst or an extended flood of rage? It really feels like a few more verses could flesh out a lot of the intrigue that's invoked. But if the goal was just to get a 30 second lash-out, then it blows up hot!

thank you for analyzing my work! :)
This was written in the moment and I don't think I could add to it without ruinin it.

Thank you, again.

thank you :)