Cirque de Freak

I am a bearded lady
in the
suffocating circus tent called
life.
I am the outcast that
earns my tormentors fame as they
ostracize,
beat, and
traumatize me for
daring to exist.

I am the clown that everyone
laughs at, juggling
knives of depression with my hands
while balancing
anvils of anxiety on my head.
One wrong move, one

push

then the balance I built so
tediously comes
crumbling down.

I am the tiger that makes you
gasp and point.
Dazzling,
exotic,
majestic,
terrified of
what happens when I don't jump, but
terrified still of what happens if I
make the wrong move.

I am a girl,
walking the halls while I
count my feet and start
over at two.
I'm the one who
takes a book to lunch
so they can feel
less lonely at their
empty table.
I'm the one who's ignored while everyone
laughs, everyone
talks to each other, everyone
includes each other.
Except me.
I'm the one whose
absence will never be
noticed.
I'm the one who fights back
tears as I wonder if
anyone sees me breaking.

I'm a circus freak among a
sea of spectators, a
single slideshow performer among
thousands of normalities.

I'm the one who you
love to torment, but
never miss when I'm
gone.