deepundergroundpoetry.com
KILLSTRANGERKILL
Weeps a desperate child.
Inside of the hotel room next door,
where the wicked sleep.
Brought to my realm of existence.
To my attention,
just enough to wake the beast.
The first thing that's needed.
A past thought,or feeling.
A deeper sense of spiritual design.
The next step,of reason.
A past debt,that weakens.
In order:body,heart,soul,and mind.
Peace,a dimension unreached.
Uncontrollable doubt that ties the noose,
and kicks the chair.
Wait till the grey of the morning.
Only to back against the sky...And disappear.
Inside of the hotel room next door,
where the wicked sleep.
Brought to my realm of existence.
To my attention,
just enough to wake the beast.
The first thing that's needed.
A past thought,or feeling.
A deeper sense of spiritual design.
The next step,of reason.
A past debt,that weakens.
In order:body,heart,soul,and mind.
Peace,a dimension unreached.
Uncontrollable doubt that ties the noose,
and kicks the chair.
Wait till the grey of the morning.
Only to back against the sky...And disappear.
Published 21st Feb 2013
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The author encourages honest critique.
21st Feb 2013 8:37am
The first line has a really good rhythm, stressed-unstressed-stressed-unstressed-stressed-unstressed, assuming desperate is read as "des-prit". This is married to the rhythm of the whole poem but in a lot of places it felt a little choppy. You could capitalize on the rhythm by omitting the word "of" from the second line. I think you could also get away with adding a word into the line "where the wicked sleep", as long as it keeps the established rhythm.
Your next two stanzas are very sharp and internally consistent, so good job there. The language in the last stanza might be cleaned up a bit but it really helps to clarify a little bit of confusion that crops up in the middle.
Overall, very spooky and I think with some more practice you can start to create some Poe level eerie poetry.
Your next two stanzas are very sharp and internally consistent, so good job there. The language in the last stanza might be cleaned up a bit but it really helps to clarify a little bit of confusion that crops up in the middle.
Overall, very spooky and I think with some more practice you can start to create some Poe level eerie poetry.
21st Feb 2013 5:35pm
Thank you;)I struggled with the desperate for awhile,until I said"forget it",so im not surprised you noticed.What do you mean language?
Anonymous
- Edited 11th Jun 2019 9:40pm
21st Feb 2013 12:04pm
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