It all looks different upstairs.     ( collab Johnrot and gg78)

 For the first time in a long time
There is a blink in my eye
For the first time in a long time
It might just be love passin by

But I can flag a cab down faster
Then she can intentionally cry
No good in goodbyes

Time is strong
But I have felt this way for so long
I'm sure he is the same as me
And I know you hate us differently
But I still won't cut my hair or shave
I'd rather be a slave
than any longer have you lay at my feet
Call it defeat

Say what you will
My father's still
The way he brewed
lethargy ,lonliness,a genetic pre-disposition , and a longing,
To be closer to the setting sun
Still he still, stood still

Motionless, emotionless
He died trying

Thank you for the gift that is this
I am all that is mine
I am ready to fly
Yet the 3 am whispers
Say- for you there will be no opening in the sky
The crooked smile will deceive you every time

There is a misconception of hell
It is cold
and all my friends are in a different cell
a different wing
I am special
They have given me my own specific thing
the demons sing

Songs about how i could have chose a different path
Stretched upon the rack I feel for them
For the first time in a long time
I feel again

these fires
these eyes

only word drawn upon
Hope

I have had dreams
  and a premonition of a day like this before

Time is always a mystery
If I go down in history
as  a loser, a scumbag, a perfect example of one who rants out of pure self loathing and insecurity
At least I still go down in history

familiarity with calamity
is what I call family
for the first time in a long time
I am without doubt
------------
maybe we could spend some time
maybe we could trade some lies

maybe i should have mentioned
i need no ascension
but a crow is always tired

----------------

For the last time I'm going to try
It's not just a tear in my eye
For the last time I'm going to try
To smile through the pain
escape into arms that will hold me
love me
while his body is still cold in the casket
he's rolling over twice
sensing what I've done
but love left when his arms held me down
made me bleed
my pillow is still wet from the last time
I pulled the trigger
and then only sin could hold me up
and hold me up he did
on a pedestal
so high I touched the heavens
where it's supposed to be warm and welcoming
but it's filled with judgement
prejudice, lies
my grandmother lives among them
the only true soul in that life
she awaits for me on a cloud
in white,  with a halo atop her head
and a smile
the rest all dressed in red
blood stained coats
stemmed from forgiving prayers
the scent of false hope burns my eyes
and I cry
it didn't need to be this way
but it is
so plague me as a red coat
I'll accept my fate and wear it well
but I'll miss you grandma
wait for my mother she shall be there soon to sit next to you
me I'll have him
not just a touch
I want his life, mind, body, soul
and I'm going to fight
brake down his doubts
assure him that his brother
was just a stepping stone for him
understand my mistake in choosing the safe way
the only way I knew
we will be together no matter
who I married
who he fucked
a middle ground is our destiny
no pearly white gates for me
no cold cell for him
just us in the shadows
and for the last time I'm going to try
and for the first time I will not be defeated