Word Vomit

I could stare at this notepad for hours and still have no idea what to say. There are so many words, phrases and lovesick requests floating around inside my head but none of them feel adequate enough, for you.

All the things my tongue struggles to hold inside my mouth, I could let them all spill out now and hope you don’t crumble under the weight of these heavy words I’ve kept to myself. I hope you’re not crushed under lines like, “I notice when you’re sad, when your eyes look defeated.” Or confessions such as, “I wish she didn’t exist, wish you’d stop loving her, wish you never did.” and I hope you can handle it when these words fall from my mouth uncontrollably, “I used to love you, maybe I still do but I have this burning in my chest and it makes me hate you more than anything else.”

If your legs don’t give out after I’ve placed that on your shoulders then you’re stronger than I thought, and these secrets continue to pour out of me like pathetic lovesick word vomit. “I wish I never met you, I feel the most alone when I’m sitting beside you.” “My life is not better for knowing you and I lied when I said you made me a better person.” I may smile as I watch your knees buckle and the guilt crush you until you’re as broken as I am, until it’s painful to breathe with all that pressure on your chest, caving in with every breath. All my love letters seem to turn into angry pages full of bitter sentences and words lacking warm emotions, they’re just as cold as the black ink they’re written in.. as the heart which pains me still, the one you refuse to give. Maybe there isn’t any love inside my heart for you after all.. not even a little bit, not even enough for one more, “I love —-.” Sorry honey, if you throw me a syringe I’ll lie and fake it some more while injecting this poison that flows straight to my heart. Go ahead, now it’s your turn.