Hunting For Crystals in Chaos

Screaming, crying and door slamming now plague every night we spend together. I can’t escape the madness. It’s everywhere, it’s an unrecognizable monster hiding behind crystal shards. I’m running as fast as I can towards euphoria but I’m leaving a trail of wreckage and heartbreak behind me. By the time I finally turn to see the damage I’ve done, it’s too late. I’m blinded, lured and trapped by these chemicals that have allowed me to become indestructible, become something I never thought was possible. But now; everything is possible.

I can tell she hates me just by the tone in her voice. “I don’t want you in my life anymore.” and when it’s said, her voice doesn’t shake. She says I’m a horrible friend, I’m not a good person and I only care about myself. I hate that she’s partially right but fails to mention how it’s honestly unintentional. I do care about other people and I do have feelings, especially empathetic ones. I absorb the pain of everyone around me constantly. I’m sure it’s part of the reason I hate myself so severely, because I know what I’m doing and it’s drowning me in guilt. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe.

The problem isn’t her or me, for that matter. The problem is these chemicals, they bring out this monster inside me. The monster doesn’t care about a single thing except hunting for crystals and causing chaos. Never in my life have I felt such an emotional dependence and physical requirement and now I feel it everyday. She says she can see it in my eyes, see the carelessness and disregard but she has to be wrong.. I’m a good person, I know it. At least I think I’m a good person. Most of the time. Sometimes? I don’t know.

Tell me I’m still a good person, tell me I still have my soul.. tell me if this monster has taken control.