When Pain Becomes A Reflex

I feel so alone,
I want to cry and maybe die,
I really don't feel any point or purpose,
In waking to a new day.
I'm so depressed it's insane,
Does anyone really care?
Some people only feign caring,
When they really couldn't give a toss.
Let's all play happy family,
Is what they love to say,
But I'm just an outsider - A third wheel if you will,
I may as well be invisible.
I always hear, "I'll never leave you",
But I know that BS,
It's only a matter of time.
I can feel the familiarity of the walls,
The 'shut them out' feelings begin to rise,
The only chance of surviving is a first strike,
Strike first and protect my heart as much as possible.
Put up the shields,
Prepare for battle,
It's becoming automatic,
I have to do this,
Otherwise I have no chance of living.
I look back to my past,
I'm nowhere near whom I used to be before the first cheater,
She destroyed me.
I can never get the old happiness back,
A part of me died that night,
All those years ago.
That night a switch was flipped,
The happy me died in the blink of an eye.
Ever since all of them I've almost been cold,
Not as caring or nurturing,
The happiness seems gone forever.
I'm skeptical of people,
I try to give love, truth, belief, and happiness a chance,
But as soon as I see a warning sign,
My escape route is already pre-programmed.
If they know or not,
I don't care,
I'm prepared for their bomb drop,
I'm inside my shelter,
All the artillery is ready for battle.
I don't want to be that way,
But heart break has happened to me so often,
That pain has become a reflex.