Hard Times

Its almost three am, I've been snorting speed with my cousin James for thirty two hours now.James is fifteen years older than me and more brother than cousin, he took me in when I was just a lost, pissed off fifteen year old kid with a hard on for the world.
He mentored me, taught me the rules of the street and to hold my head up and too look people in the eye.
He taught me to snort coke and drink whisky, how to throw my weight into my punches when I hit someone.
We're probably closer to each other than we are to anybody else, sharing a bond forged by long hours spent together, drinking in the garage after closing the bar, listening to David Allen Coe and singing along in drunken off key voices. His daughter Emily is like my neice and as precious to me as daylight.
One of the worst days of my life was a few months after I turned seventeen.
James was running from the law when I moved in with him, more or less a runaway myself.
He had stabbed a dude that was screwing his wife, Emilys ma in a drunken rage after kicking in the guys front door a couple years earlier, instead of prison he took Emily and split.
He made a good run, but our luck ran out one afternoon when we made an illegal turn in front of a cop who checked our plates and found them expired.
It was like my world imploded in a heartbeat, they cuffed him as I watched, we made eye contact, his eyes saying "this is it kid, sorry but you gotta be the man now".
The cop gave me a hundred dollar bill James gave him to give me, it was all we had and rent was due, the fridge was empty and I was numb with loss as I watched them put him in the car and drive away.
I did the only thing I knew how to do, I went to the store and filled my clothes with food, as I went to leave the manager grabbed me demanding I open my jacket.
Scared of being arrested and leaving Emily and my grandma alone I snapped, I punched the manager in the face before I even knew i'd swung. Other employees came running to the scene, I had a buck knife on me so I pulled it reactively there at the door threatening to stab anyone stupid enough to come after me.
Minimum wage apparently doesnt inspire excessive courage in most and they backed off.
I ran across the lot behind the store to a friends apartment, she took me home in her car so I wouldnt be arrested trying to walk down the street.
I took the bill James gave me to my buddy Aaron who sold coke and explained my situation, he gave me a good deal and some credit so I could hustle the rent.
I guess in hindsight that was a defining moment, a turning point in my life.
I found crime was more profitable than the legal routes open to me, and started thuggin to support my family.
I found steady gigs collecting debts for a local dealer James was friends with. I did things I'll live with till I die, saw things Ill never unsee.
I got a reputation puttin in work for him and he paid me well for my "services" and I discovered that crime was something I was good at, I was never arrested for any of the assaults I committed, never even questioned except once, and that was as a witness not a suspect.
My family didnt know what i was doing to pay the bills, I mean grandma knew the money wasnt from selling girlscout cookies but I think she was happier not knowing.
I dont think I ever killed a man but I'll never forget the first time I shot at another human.
I was barely eighteen, carrying a hammerless Taurus 357 everyday, I was never the boastful kid waving it around, nobody even knew I was packin except angel, my girl who felt it while we were foolin around.
Like I said Id gotten a rep in the neighborhood and when you got a rep theres gonna be someone lookin to get one by punkin you.
A little bitch I'd seen around here and there decided to have a pissing contest, him and two of his homeboys followed me one night and confronted me behind a store.
They all pulled knives and started talkin shit, the wannabe hard ass made a remark about angel and how much fun the three of them would have with her, I swung like James taught me knocking him on his ass as his friend came at me slashing with his knife, cutting my forearm and stomach.
I pulled the pistol, clubbing the one who cut me, the third ran away scared
I stomped on the one who cut mes face, shattering jaw and cheek and advanced on the one who threatened angel.
I stood over him watching as he begged, in cold rage I pointed the pistol at him at point blank range before firing a round into his leg.
He left town after that and i was rarely troubled by his kind afterwards.
Now five years later I sit here with James getting high, He says I'm different, and blames himself for what I had to do to provide for us after he got sent up. I tell him everything happens for a reason.
He knows more about the things I did than anyone besides myself, hes the only one I talk to about it.
I have a straight job now, at a body shop, I dont walk around packin anymore, but some dirt dont come off with water.