junkie rant

         I have been researching an alternative to addiction treatment. ive been battling drug addiction for 12yrs, have been thru many treatment facilities, one on one counseling, 12 step, etc. even tried religion… traditional treatment methods just don’t work. Ive been trapped in suboxone hell for the last 2yrs and the withdrawal makes heroin detox feel like a walk in the park. Im desperate and have long since run out of options. Trying to put this in writing is my form therapy, im not exactly keen to pouring out my emotions publicly (which is probably one reason as to why I fell down the 12 steps) ive become very interested into work with ayauahasca. The spiritual growth associated with it, the idea of going deep into my own consciousness and hopefully find out reasons why I keep walking back into that cold dark lonely house of addiction and I know when I try to leave the door is always locked from the outside. I always head back in blindly even after im thru the physical addiction, knowing full well the consequences I will inevitably face. My daughter deserves to have a father in her life, a real father...not some "fucking junkie". Im tired of my girl suffering the consequences of her fathers’ actions.
        Ayauhasca is an indigenous psychedelic plant of South America, shamans have used it for hundreds maybe thousands of years for healing, “purging” the soul of demons, disease and sickness. It’s really some intriguing shit.  I have heard stories (rumors maybe) of its success in uncovering the route causes of addiction and a path to long term sobriety and recovery.  I think it’s worth a shot but I can’t afford thousands of dollars for one of those “luxury retreats” in Peru.  Im half tempted to head into the Amazon with a copy of Peruvian languages for dummies and track down a shaman willing to perform an ayauahusca ceremony in exchange for $7 on a walmart gift card and $13.73 in food stamps, id even be willing to thru in my fake rolex...if I didn’t already pawn it.
       For most normal people suffering drug addiction childhood abuse or forms of sexual abuse are usually the route causes and eventually lead them into drugs. This is where I differ from 9 out of 10 addicts, the only time my daddy touched me is when he beat my ass with the belt because I was being a little prick. Im not about to get into some debate about how my daddies disciplinary actions turned me into a junkie, if more kids were spanked I think it would do the youth of today some good. Truth is I don’t know why I turned to drugs or why I keep going back again and again. Now im just rambling on so I guess this is where ill end.
            Thank you for reading my poem… that wasn’t really poem, but was kind of a poem, maybe? It didn’t even rhyme, and probably didn’t make much sense. It’s late and im tired gimme a break!
                                                           -down & out in Pittsburgh