I'm Not Here With Me

I'm going to do my best to give you my honest critique since that is what you requested. Sorry if it's a bit harsh.

What's the point of the poem? I'm not sure what you're trying to explain. Also, all the large words doesn't make you sound older or more intelligent, even if they're used correctly. In my case, it makes a poem less relatable, which is my favorite aspect of poetry.

This poem is long, which doesn't always mean it's bad, but you tend to ramble a lot in it. You need to find a focus and stick with it.

Personally, I don't love poetry that rhymes, but the rhyming, in this case, is completely spot on and well done. That's the best part about the entire poem.

The title of the poem does not need to be in all uppercase lettering, nor does it have anything to do with the rest of the poem, I'm afraid. I would change the title.

Yours truly,
Denythelove

I am replying to your comment because I failed to be understood, and not being understood is something I take as a personal failure. It is absolutely not acceptable to me.  First, I would like to thank you for not only reading my poem, but for taking the time to write an honest comment about it. So few people even read my poems. Now let’s address your concern with the large words in the poem. What exactly are the large words that you are referring to? Do you not like the length of some of the words?  The longest word in the poem is contemplation, which has 13 letters in it. Do you not know the definition of some of the words and that is why you label them as large words? I do not know what large words are. I have an extensive vocabulary and I use it when speaking or writing.  Are the presence of your perceived  large words in a poem a poetry faux pas? If so, why? I’m not sure why you think that I would try to sound older or try to sound more intelligent, but I assure you that I am more than old enough and do not want to be any older. As far as my intelligence goes, I could not be any more intelligent than I am and don’t want to be. My intellect is off the charts. I am considered  brilliant and being as such, has not faired very well for me in my life. Over the years, I have noticed that society pities stupid people while highly intelligent people like myself  are despised and horribly treated. I pay the price for my intelligence everyday.  I am sorry that you cannot relate to the poem. I do feel as if I let you down. Could you not relate to the poem because you don’t know the definition to the large words as stated earlier, or is it because you do not know what the poem is about as you mentioned in your comment? Perhaps, it is both. Now, let’s move on to your concern about the length of the poem. What is defined as long poetry?  Long is a relative term. The poem is longer than some other poems but shorter than others. It is a dwarf in comparison to The Raven, by Edgar Allen Poe. I think that you are implying that certain poems are at a distinct disadvantage just because the poem is  perceived to be long, thus your comment, “this poem is long, which doesn’t always mean it’s bad.” What universal standard is used to gauge whether a poem is considered to be long?  Are poems that are perceived to be long another poetry faux pas? If so, why? In your comment, you claim that I am rambling a lot in the poem. I just do not see any evidence of that. I have searched and searched and tore the poem apart and yet I do not know as to what you are referring. Please feel free to point out everywhere in the poem where you perceive that I am rambling so I might better understand. You also mention that I need to find a focus and stick with it. I believe that I have found a focus and stuck with it to the very end, and the poem is an  overwhelming success  because of it. Maybe you see it as rambling because you do not know what the poem is about. Yes, I do know about spelling the title in uppercase lettering, but I thought that it might look better if I put the title all in uppercase. I changed it to lowercase after I looked at it both ways and it does look better lowercase. Your suggestion to change the title because you do not see what the title has to do with the poem is without merit.  How can you say that the title has nothing to do with the poem when you, by your own admission, state that you have no idea what the poem is about?  If you haven’t a clue as to what the poem is about then how can you know that the title has no correlation to the poem? You could read a million poems and even if you are sure that you know what each one of them is about, I would say that an enormous percentage of them have nothing to do with the actual title. I have found that in no more than 4% of all poems does the reader truly know what the poem is about, so I am not surprised that you do not know the meaning of the poem. Once you find out what a poem is about then, and only then, can you say as to whether the title has anything to do with the poem or not. The title, I’m Not Here With Me, has everything to do with the poem. The poem is about my life with mental illness. All of my poems are about my mental illness except the poem titled The Perfect Weapon.  I suffer most horribly from obsessive compulsive disorder among other mental problems. My OCD  is what the poem is all about. The dungeon in the poem is my brain, and since my brain is where all of my problems come from, the dungeon is also my life. The puppets in the poem  represent my thoughts. With OCD, my thoughts control me.  I have no control over my thoughts, whatsoever.  I chose the puppets to represent my thoughts because puppets are the perfect example of something that is always under the control of something other than itself in order to function. Normal people control their own thoughts (the puppets), but with me, my thoughts (the puppets) control me. The strings in the poem are, of course, an extension to the puppets. The poem is set in a dungeon (my brain, my life) where I must follow the constant ravings of the puppets (my thoughts). “Puppets don’t follow only they give commands, Compelled to obey whatever their demands.” That means that I do whatever my OCD thoughts tell me to do, no matter how insane. I have no choice. “Choice shows no mercy and freewill has no cure, Armies of puppets hold positions secure.” The poem is also about my isolation and my problems with the opposite gender because of my OCD.  I would be more than happy to explain my poems line by line with anyone who is interested. I really would like that. It is not my objective to write good poetry, nor is it my intention to improve. I only write because my therapist suggested that I write poetry, rhymes, journal, stories, jingles, etc. to help with my OCD. The rhyming is suppose to develop better mental discipline for me. I post my poems on this site in hopes that maybe someone else with mental illness may be helped by knowing that they’re not alone and to bring awareness to OCD.  I invite you to read my profile and my other poems where my mental illness is explained in much more detail. So how does the title have anything to do with the poem?  My thoughts (uncontrollable obsessions and compulsions) have taken me away from me. I am no longer here anymore with me. That is why I chose the title I Am Not Here With Me.

Thanks you so much, that really helped me to understand what your poem is about. What I meant by the "long" words comment was that I, myself, do not speak with as much of a vocabulary as you do. I guess it may just be me being human and wanting to read something in the same way as I and those around me would speak (if that makes sense). I read the poem again and once you explained how your brain is the prison described in the poem I totally understood what you're talking about. I thank you for such a clear, in depth response. I have a much deeper level of understanding as to what your going through and it makes the poem much easier for me to relate to.

was that a discourse or a diatribe...no disrespect intended...to either party,  but this place is where we can all find something to suit us. There is no way that you are going to please everyone.  
 
Just write for your own pleasure and remember that three times as many non members read this as members.  
Never be turned towards mediocrity to suit those that think that they are more equal than others.  
 
mmm guess that's why I don't get many comments. ;-)

Denythelove.. I think his title does the explaining of the poem.

Denythelove you are truly a worrysome little vermon who needs to be purged from this world.You are arrogent,foolish,dogmatic,and just down right irate...Oh,wait.You're to stupid to comprehend a person of higher intellect's words aren't you little dumb-dumb.Simply put,your are a very rude little vulgar beast.So are you able to understand that you illiterate a-tard.

Hidden_flame, I gave her my honest critique. I don't feel that I am stupid, I am just honest. I'm not sorry for what I said. I think it's fine if you disagree with my comments, but you are the one being a "very rude little vulgar beast." I only gave my honest critique. I am not illiterate. I am not stupid. You are just a disrespectful person. I'm sorry that you have no lack of judgement, but maybe you should control yourself. She wan't offended, I wasn't offended, and you are taking this way too seriously. I'm allowed to voice my opinions. That's why I am a poet. Not all critique is good. If you'd like to go read all of my poems and pick out every last detail of everything wrong in all of them, be my guest. I would like to know what's wrong with my poetry, so I assumed she would've preferred me to understand her piece instead of just moving on to another poem. Her piece is great, but when I read it I just didn't get it the first time. I am not some all-knowing god like you, sir. I will not apologize for not being perfect.

Yours truly,
Denythelove

Firstly that was an enchantment to read with such beautiful use of the English language with near perfect, syntax, meter and rhyme wrapped around so many illustrative metaphors that enhance the readers visual perceptiveness of the message.In my opinion it takes us on a journey of discovery of the failings of many societies and their inability to shake off past habits and to change their paradigms.

Happy Christmas and thanks for a great read.

Terry

This brings to mind the movie Branded. You’ve done a beautiful job at capturing the choice society has made, the craving for desires instead of the contentment of simple needs. And then once indulging in those desires, find themselves trapped and controlled by them.

The length and content fit together in a vivid picture of just how foggy the mirror before us really is. We dance along thinking we have choreographed all the moves, only to find ourselves irrevocably restrained by the influence of all those darker desires.

Nicely done.

"mystical" is a great description of this poem and I didn`t have a problem with the length of the poem and I appreciated your command of the vocab you selected. The vocab selection contributed to the "mystical" feel of the piece. I have read this poem several times already and find something new every time. This will be a poem I revisit in the future... Bravo!!!

Your use of such a wide range of vivid vocabulary and substitution and different words and phrases was intense.

your poem is very well put to peice... i can feel the pain and anguish between each line...

Upon reading the comments and replies thus far, I am truly amazed by you... could be the poem I just read, too...  could be both for that matter.  :-)

Actually, I'm a little fearful of giving you my thoughts on it now, but, here it goes...

Until I read your...  tirade (as it were) upon denythelove, I was truly kinda clueless as to what was going on until i started tying a few knots together near the end. And was I way off or what?!?

I should have known. I should have known better.

We are the puppets of the government, maybe the puppets take back control in an hierarchial(did i spell that right)overthrow, etc.

I should have known better. Forgive???????????

Wonderful! Definitely relatable!