My Letter To Little Big Sis

I don't like going to your grave  
I'm sorry, I always was a shitty brother and that hasn't changed. Between me and the world you were my rope. I still pray for you though when I lost you I lost my faith, you finally being happy is my biggest hope. And though I'm now the same age as you when you passed, you'll always be my little big sis and that rage, thankfully didn't last. It's been two years and still most days I wake in tears, the hole you left is too big too fill. I cried the day you told me about your illness, the beginning of my sorrow was obviously painful to witness. But you put my head in your lap and let me sleep, stroking my hair, you let me weep. I couldn't let a stranger do it, so I lowered you into the ground myself and covered your grave, though it didn't seem so deep. like you, I wish I was brave. My biggest regret, apart from leaving you the in dark and the rain, is that our last words to each other were in anger. I'm sorry but I can't go to your grave anymore. I can't think of you laying there decomposing, it's still too much for me to handle. I keep thinking of that night I left you, with mud on my hands and with only one candle.  
I'm sorry little big sis, I love you. I wish you saw me turn 24, I'm your age now x