deepundergroundpoetry.com
A classic Tale of Maybe
The game, she'd say, is best played
with a side of gin
and a handful of sleeping pills
in case the nights get long
because long nights hold a tendency
to leave oneself soiled
in faux pas
He was doomed to adore
her confounded inclinations
that teased him beyond bearing
and her childlike vivacity
was infinitely better expressed
through eyes
than any of the words
that might have passed her lips
She could never grow accustomed
to life's fineries
although she had an affinity
for light civilities
as long as they'd not impede
on her appetite
for the less traveled veins
of primal thinking
He would let loose doves
stained in mirth
watch them soar into the blue sky
then fall limp back to earth
weighted down by buckshot
and she'd smile, because her mind
had not yet learned to rein in
her trigger finger
with a side of gin
and a handful of sleeping pills
in case the nights get long
because long nights hold a tendency
to leave oneself soiled
in faux pas
He was doomed to adore
her confounded inclinations
that teased him beyond bearing
and her childlike vivacity
was infinitely better expressed
through eyes
than any of the words
that might have passed her lips
She could never grow accustomed
to life's fineries
although she had an affinity
for light civilities
as long as they'd not impede
on her appetite
for the less traveled veins
of primal thinking
He would let loose doves
stained in mirth
watch them soar into the blue sky
then fall limp back to earth
weighted down by buckshot
and she'd smile, because her mind
had not yet learned to rein in
her trigger finger
Written by
lepperochan
(CraicDealer)
Published 30th Nov 2012
| Edited 12th Jan 2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 20
reading list entries 4
comments 32
reads 365
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
- Edited 14th Nov 2018 6:35pm
30th Nov 2012 5:09pm
<< post removed >>
re: Re: A classic Tale of Maybe
30th Nov 2012 8:28pm
Re: A classic Tale of Maybe
30th Nov 2012 5:31pm
Some excellent lines here.
My favorite bit:
She could never grow accustomed
to life's fineries
although she had an affinity
for light civilities
as long as they'd not impede
on her appetite
for the less traveled veins
of primal thinking
I'm having trouble following what tense this poem is in though.
If you change the first line to "she'd say", I think that would work.
My favorite bit:
She could never grow accustomed
to life's fineries
although she had an affinity
for light civilities
as long as they'd not impede
on her appetite
for the less traveled veins
of primal thinking
I'm having trouble following what tense this poem is in though.
If you change the first line to "she'd say", I think that would work.
0
re: Re: A classic Tale of Maybe
30th Nov 2012 8:32pm
Atakti,
tenses get me a little confused, so when I read your comment I went to www.waybeforeyesterdaybutalittleaftertomorrow.com
and it said you're dead right, so I changed it, thanks for that, the drop by and your words.
tenses get me a little confused, so when I read your comment I went to www.waybeforeyesterdaybutalittleaftertomorrow.com
and it said you're dead right, so I changed it, thanks for that, the drop by and your words.
Anonymous
- Edited 16th May 2018 10:05pm
30th Nov 2012 7:48pm
<< post removed >>
re: Re: A classic Tale of Maybe
30th Nov 2012 8:36pm
Stider,
yeah buckshot indeed :) an observation observed then
expressed can sometimes be weaved into wearable words, glad you liked this one.
thanks for the words man.
yeah buckshot indeed :) an observation observed then
expressed can sometimes be weaved into wearable words, glad you liked this one.
thanks for the words man.
Anonymous
- Edited 5th Apr 2021 9:35am
30th Nov 2012 8:46pm
<< post removed >>
re: Re: A classic Tale of Maybe
30th Nov 2012 10:05pm
hh
Thanks man, very pleased you like it.
I see what you mean now about the line breaks.
there is a hardness there that's not s'posed to be.
funny what a mere line break can do to wobble the
axis.
Delighted to have your thoughts here Hemi, thanks for the stop by. :}
Thanks man, very pleased you like it.
I see what you mean now about the line breaks.
there is a hardness there that's not s'posed to be.
funny what a mere line break can do to wobble the
axis.
Delighted to have your thoughts here Hemi, thanks for the stop by. :}
Re: A classic Tale of Maybe
30th Nov 2012 10:13pm
This is sexy without being obvious, romantic without the "over the top" , with just a hint of dark in the fascination with her ( shall we say lol ) quirkier side.
All around subtle, well read, and well written :)
All around subtle, well read, and well written :)
0
re: Re: A classic Tale of Maybe
30th Nov 2012 10:36pm
I think this one was a bit of a calculated risk. It could have gone very badly what with the words n all
because I never use them. the challenge was to arrange them in a way that they'd read like they belonged there (if that makes sense).
I'm very happy with the response so far so it's a good incentive to take more risks :)
Thank you kindly for your words Maggie
because I never use them. the challenge was to arrange them in a way that they'd read like they belonged there (if that makes sense).
I'm very happy with the response so far so it's a good incentive to take more risks :)
Thank you kindly for your words Maggie
re: re: Re: A classic Tale of Maybe
Ha ! I am the middle aged wife of a soldier. I have a bum knee, and can barely walk at times, but
When I write ?
I fly, and fight
I dance like I used to, only now
drunk on words
I slurp until they slosh
exquisite down my chin
like all the ummentionable things I did
when I was kid, and didn't care
who got hurt
even me :)
By all means, Risk on ;)
When I write ?
I fly, and fight
I dance like I used to, only now
drunk on words
I slurp until they slosh
exquisite down my chin
like all the ummentionable things I did
when I was kid, and didn't care
who got hurt
even me :)
By all means, Risk on ;)
0
re: re: re: Re: A classic Tale of Maybe
1st Dec 2012 11:43am
and that is the beauty of writing, we can be anything we want, hell we could fly like an eagle, or run like a river.
great words maggie :)
great words maggie :)
Re: A classic Tale of Maybe
1st Dec 2012 00:36am
re: Re: A classic Tale of Maybe
1st Dec 2012 11:40am
Re: A classic Tale of Maybe
1st Dec 2012 7:02am
re: Re: A classic Tale of Maybe
1st Dec 2012 11:42am
Gigi
ah, far too kind with your words...but I'll take them this time :)
thanks for the drop by
ah, far too kind with your words...but I'll take them this time :)
thanks for the drop by
Anonymous
- Edited 14th May 2018 11:51pm
7th Dec 2012 9:09pm
<< post removed >>
re: Re: A classic Tale of Maybe
8th Dec 2012 4:19pm
Jack,
Thanks for dropping in and throwing your eyes over this one.
I'd probably agree about the idiosyncratic if I knew what you meant.
Cheers for the words man. *manly punch on the shoulder* :)
Thanks for dropping in and throwing your eyes over this one.
I'd probably agree about the idiosyncratic if I knew what you meant.
Cheers for the words man. *manly punch on the shoulder* :)
Anonymous
- Edited 14th May 2018 11:51pm
9th Dec 2012 3:29am
<< post removed >>
Re: A classic Tale of Maybe
8th Dec 2012 00:22am
Very nicely done with this portrait CraicDealer, and enjoyed the read.
Uley
Uley
1
re: Re: A classic Tale of Maybe
8th Dec 2012 4:21pm
Uley,
An honor to have you dropping by and checking my shit out.
Thanks for laying down your thoughts here.
An honor to have you dropping by and checking my shit out.
Thanks for laying down your thoughts here.
Re: A classic Tale of Maybe
The whole thing just trips along, tra la la
"She could never grow accustomed to life's fineries
although she had an affinity for light civilities"
Yes to that because it reads so prettily ...
"and she'd smile, because her mind had not yet learned to rein in her trigger finger"
And yes to that because ... well, for the same reason, you evil boy, haheeee!
(just wondering, child like ----> childlike?) But here's the real technical feedback: More, more! :-)
"She could never grow accustomed to life's fineries
although she had an affinity for light civilities"
Yes to that because it reads so prettily ...
"and she'd smile, because her mind had not yet learned to rein in her trigger finger"
And yes to that because ... well, for the same reason, you evil boy, haheeee!
(just wondering, child like ----> childlike?) But here's the real technical feedback: More, more! :-)
1
re: Re: A classic Tale of Maybe
15th Dec 2012 10:26am
Kaatho,
This is one of my favorites because its very close to the way I'd like to be writing. what you say about tripping along is a big compliment because that's what I was aiming for.
I got some help with the final draft of this which is why it sits
so well on the page
Childlike, happen you're on the money there, many thanks. I was going to cut that out altogether but couldn't think of a better replacement I'sort it soon as I can log on with my laptop.
Many thanks for your presence and words , always a pleasure.
This is one of my favorites because its very close to the way I'd like to be writing. what you say about tripping along is a big compliment because that's what I was aiming for.
I got some help with the final draft of this which is why it sits
so well on the page
Childlike, happen you're on the money there, many thanks. I was going to cut that out altogether but couldn't think of a better replacement I'sort it soon as I can log on with my laptop.
Many thanks for your presence and words , always a pleasure.
Anonymous
- Edited 8th Jan 2019 00:35am
15th Dec 2012 8:47am
<< post removed >>
re: Re: A classic Tale of Maybe
15th Dec 2012 10:29am
Uma,
I think I have the tenses sorted out a bit better.
yep, you've picked up an a lot of what I was trying to get across here, fair play.
appreciate the kind words and thank you much for dropping in and expressing your thoughts so nice :)
I think I have the tenses sorted out a bit better.
yep, you've picked up an a lot of what I was trying to get across here, fair play.
appreciate the kind words and thank you much for dropping in and expressing your thoughts so nice :)
Anonymous
- Edited 17th May 2018 11:37am
12th Jan 2013 1:54pm
<< post removed >>
re: Re: A classic Tale of Maybe
12th Jan 2013 5:12pm
Tidespotter50
firstly, welcome to DU and thanks for dropping by my humble scribe-ings
I sorted childlike , thanks for reminding me.
"She" is human yes. I have every faith you'll get the last three lines soon :)
thank's again for your comment
firstly, welcome to DU and thanks for dropping by my humble scribe-ings
I sorted childlike , thanks for reminding me.
"She" is human yes. I have every faith you'll get the last three lines soon :)
thank's again for your comment
Anonymous
- Edited 17th May 2018 11:37am
12th Jan 2013 5:32pm
<< post removed >>
re: re: re: Re: A classic Tale of Maybe
13th Jan 2013 11:13am
Ah well that's settled then. Going by our respective faith in each other , soon , at least before the year is out, we'll both be getting it .
Shine on Tidespotter (sounds like a helluva hobby) :)
Shine on Tidespotter (sounds like a helluva hobby) :)
Anonymous
- Edited 17th May 2018 11:37am
13th Jan 2013 1:02pm
<< post removed >>
Re: A classic Tale of Maybe
Anonymous
19th Jan 2013 10:39pm
"He was doomed to adore
her confounded inclinations
that teased him beyond bearing
and her childlike vivacity
was infinitely better expressed
through eyes
than any of the words
that might have passed her lips" <---In love with that stanza
In Love with your pen! :)
her confounded inclinations
that teased him beyond bearing
and her childlike vivacity
was infinitely better expressed
through eyes
than any of the words
that might have passed her lips" <---In love with that stanza
In Love with your pen! :)
0
re: Re: A classic Tale of Maybe
19th Jan 2013 10:58pm
Rain1,
Fine lines you picked out there,
now you got the stanza and the pen fighting over you
..shits about to go down
cheers for the words :)
Fine lines you picked out there,
now you got the stanza and the pen fighting over you
..shits about to go down
cheers for the words :)