liberation

It’s ironic that I love a man I don’t want to fuck
while I fuck a violent man that I don’t love
I thought tenderness was all I needed in the world
though a tender touch isn’t what my body aches for

I found power in submission
giving into to the things I promised I’d never do
I want to be pinned down and feel a hand at my throat
choking me to a violently exquisite orgasm
though I’m yet to ask, yet to show the freakier side of me
because few men or woman can handle a woman
like me, so broken and gentle with so much violence inside

I dreamed of cuddling on couches and sweet moonlit walks on the beach
breathing in the autumn air
and making love in the sand beneath the stars
like a Hollywood beach party cliché

I dreamed of getting married some day
though truthfully I fear commitment
and the rollercoaster of love

so I settle for an easier need to fulfill
a body slamming against mine
in mindless, meaningless passion
trying to fill the emptiness in my heart and soul

and I know I deserve better than what I’m taking from behind
bent over a table, being treated like the dirty little whore
I always feared I was

and yet, I find a deep liberation in the degradation
of my body, mind and soul
knowing I’m being manipulated and fractured with pretty words
knowing that I chose this destruction of self
to rise from the ashes of the other side
of the world of pain I found in loving a man
I don’t want
while succumbing to a man
who’d fuck the spirit from me for his own simple desires

- Eve -