dream catcher

ive been crashing hard against
every grain of sand
between my wounds, trodding like a snail
leaving a line of slime behind my trail
stopping here and there exhausted for awhile
then a few small steps once again
then another crash.

unable to get away,
unable to rise above
the salty dank filthy weight of a here
i do not want.

dreams, they are light and motivating and vaguely
hard to believe in now
that i've seen miracles
and the grace of love,
but isn't there something to be said
for choice and hope and the
stepping out of things that we fell into and accepted unintentionally because we accidentally mistook the paralyzing pains of fear for maturity?
  
i am beginning to think that it is a sin
to settle,
it is a sin to feed off something
that i will not feed back.
something in me that is soley unreasonable but at the same time proven to be wholly trustable
refuses
to conceive intentions here
no matter what the opportunity
claims or reveals itself to be.

for sure i am a chronic runaway, and
stubborn as all hell to make matters worse
but...
i did have dreams once and i did seek them and i
did find them and i did thank god for them
everyday
and i did plan wisely and prayerfully never to return to
all that came before them
and in that i did betray myself.

i've been blessed with unimaginably generous and beautiful gifts here anyway, because nothing can stand against
god's will and great provisions,
but 2 years ago the desperation's of wanting an easy break
and thinking that could ever exist as long as i'm still breathing
did bring me here, to this dark place
where i should have never come
and the consequences have been
dangerous, excruciating, and anything but
an easy break.

i'd rather leave again, find a space where i can feel the adventure of possibility and freedom
and die trying to thrive there
than live in the ruins
of where i feel my dreams only as a dead weight
and my days filled with the markings and momentum
of a snail.