I Still Remember

Wait a minute
What?
I’m not ready for this
You’re just scared
No
It’ll be ok, baby
Don’t
I’ll be gentle
You’re hurting me
You just need to relax
STOP IT!

you didn’t stop
you violated me
you killed a piece of my soul

you took things from me
that I’ll never get back
my virginity was the least of them

you took much more
my ability to trust
my ability to feel valuable
my self-respect
my ability to feel worthy of love

but you gave me things too
things I’ve tried for years to lose
but I can’t seem to shake them

anger
fear
pain
self contempt
doubt about my own judgment

years of therapy
talking it out
crying it out
trying to make it go away

I’ve forgiven you
(I had to for me, not because you deserved it)
but still I remember
and the darkness rises