mentalmasturbation

There was little left to think
and even less to say.
Indeed all I had won from my previous disposition was a pedestal position
I found hard to maintain.
Yet I look around and no one else appears
to want
to sit up there. To be fair,
it was a placement much closer to the sun and I knew the sun
was good and that wrong should not feel right
but that sometimes it does.
And as much as I try to deny my façade
(because I find it a truly lovely picture of who I'd like to be but haven't quite arrived at yet)
I keep wondering if it is a bigger disappointment to myself or everyone else who's got me high up on their shelf that I try to be immortal potent poignant poetic aesthetic directional inspirational sensational yet occasionally
I still falter
still fall back
still loose track
and it is in those moments I see the crest fallen look on their face a trace of regret because the souls I hold dearly are damaged
and disappointment
 
is all they expect
 
so I know I must continue to try and hold steady
please take my hand
and jump if you're ready