The Shit that Killed Elvis

I kept a decent supply of premium kind bud (KB) hidden in a closet as I would indulge some weekends. Never one to smoke much, I would eat a pinch or make herb butter with it. My buzz would last 8+ hours and was more like tripping on LSD. Unlike most stereotypical highs, I found a surge of energy as well as a depleted appetite. How many times I would be cooking a pot of gumbo, jambalaya or corn/crab bisque, then eat a pinch of bud and as a result not eat any of my food until the next day. This particular crop was the best I had since Amsterdam years earlier. My lifelong close friend, Dr. Jim called this supply "The shit that killed Elvis" and he was a connoisseur. It was that potent.

The year is 2005 and I share a home with my girlfriend of 2+ years, Robyn. We moved into the home 4 months earlier. This particular Saturday I went into my stash and was bewildered seeing a few pieces laying on the shelf. As I reached up and pulled the thick plastic container holding 6 ounces, I found a hole gnawed  on one side. This was Tupperware plastic, thick and tightly sealed. I had not seen any signs of rodent activity yet that was the only creature that I thought could eat through the container. I called our exterminator who informed me that the combination of weeks of steady rain and cooler temps were driving rats into homes. He came over, said they were no longer allowed to put out poisons and gave me a few dozen glue traps. These strips folded into medium size homes and would snare any rodents.

Not only was this rat eating my precious bud, Robyn was freaked knowing we shared our home with a rat. I placed the glue homes in strategic places and had an EXCELLENT idea to leave several out without folding them. My reasoning was a larger surface area as the glue was not something a rodent would shake off.  I placed one under Robyn's dresser in our bedroom.  Our bedroom was a dungeon of dark and cold. I blacked out the windows and the temperature was always at 60% in that room.

Being an early riser, I would leave for work at 4am. While I woke with an anticipation of the day erupting, Robyn did not want to engage ANYONE until well after her 1st cup of coffee. I learned this years earlier and wisely respected her want of non engagement.  

I was at work, alone as I didn't have employees come in until 7:30am. I was out in one of the bays prepping vehicles to be decal wrapped that morning. I had two 300 cd changers I kept on random and would shake the walls as I played music through the intercom system as well as the speakers. I didn't hear the phone ring when Robyn called at 6:30.

I did answer the private line at 6:50 as I saw it flashing. Robyn was in a panic, gasping words through tears. "Get home NOW and kill this bastard rat in the 2nd spare bedroom".  I locked up, drove the 12 minutes home and she was leaving for work. She called and gave me the story as she drove to work.

She sleeps nude and when she walked to the bedroom door with eyes still closed she stepped on the large glue strip I had placed under her dresser. That brought her to instant fright as she quickly moved into the hall and her eyes adjusted to the sunlight streaming in. She looked down at her foot and saw a medium size rat with his entire back stuck to the glue strip. Only an inch separated her foot from him. She screamed and began shaking her leg to be free of the rat. That action didn't work so she fell onto her back and used her other foot to pry it off of her foot. The rat then pissed on her leg as she screamed. Finding both feet now stuck to the strip and the rat, she stood up, freed one foot and slid the other into a spare bedroom door and used it to pry the strip loose from her foot. Slamming the door, she called me and of course, I never heard or answered her call.

As I opened the bedroom door, I saw the strip with a thick, wide strip of brown fur and no rat. He had wedged himself under the door and pried himself free. "Crap" I mumbled, knowing this was not going to be pleasant. I called a client, another exterminator and asked if he could please come over with some of his personal poison as I explained the scenario. He reminded me the downside is rats typically die deep inside walls and leave a disgusting smell for several days. He came over and we put out some poison.  Later that evening when Robyn and I were home from work, she was in a better state of mind and we joked of how this rat had acquired a taste for herb.

I was in the kitchen deveining  fresh gulf shrimp I received from a friend when motion caught my peripheral vision. I saw this rat with a bald back slowly waddling across the carpet. The open bar area between kitchen and living room allowed me to see Robyn as she lay on the couch watching a show. I hoped she hadn't seen the critter but knew she would as he was slowly moving in a direction in front of the television. I grabbed 4 glue strips, laid them out quickly on the other side of the hallway door and then came back around into the living room. As I walked in, she spotted the rat, screamed which caused the rat to look at her, shriek and run toward the hallway. He frantically clawed and squeezed under the door as Robyn was screaming. I ran to through the kitchen into the hall and found the rat with 2 glue strips immobilizing him. I put on my chemical gloves, got my hatchet and took him outside and ended the adventure of the rat with an appetite for herb.