deepundergroundpoetry.com
EXIT.
It’s not easy being filthy.
Women warn their daughters of me
while their husbands
lost in ecstasy
wrap the sheets
around my throat
strangling
the shame
of infidelity.
My lips tremble
and my sinuses burn
constantly, like I've drank
bottles of bleach.
Can you believe
I’m their favorite drink?
They swallow me whole;
my pain, deep and swelling
in their chests
like the midnight sobs
that I cannot suppress.
Women warn their daughters of me
while their husbands
lost in ecstasy
wrap the sheets
around my throat
strangling
the shame
of infidelity.
My lips tremble
and my sinuses burn
constantly, like I've drank
bottles of bleach.
Can you believe
I’m their favorite drink?
They swallow me whole;
my pain, deep and swelling
in their chests
like the midnight sobs
that I cannot suppress.
Written by
SychophanticSlag
(Carla)
Published 29th Sep 2012
| Edited 7th Oct 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 14
reading list entries 2
comments 23
reads 284
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Re: EXIT.
29th Sep 2012 12:56pm
I wrote this a while ago and polished it up with the help of some poets at the pig pen. I'm still looking for more advice if needed.
Re: EXIT.
29th Sep 2012 3:03pm
the shame of infidelity.
(SPACE)
My lips tremble
and my sinuses burn constantly
as if consuming bleach
IMHO
this is a really good piece and I am glad you are seeking to tweak it....sometimes the slightest nuance can send it right over into stardom....
(SPACE)
My lips tremble
and my sinuses burn constantly
as if consuming bleach
IMHO
this is a really good piece and I am glad you are seeking to tweak it....sometimes the slightest nuance can send it right over into stardom....
0
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re: Re: EXIT.
29th Sep 2012 10:37pm
thank you. :)
The space is so much less cluttery. lol, the most obvious things are so hard for me to see.
The space is so much less cluttery. lol, the most obvious things are so hard for me to see.
Anonymous
- Edited 14th May 2018 10:07pm
29th Sep 2012 11:28pm
<< post removed >>
![Anonymous](/images/avatars/_nopicmini.gif)
re: Re: EXIT.
29th Sep 2012 11:48pm
Anonymous
- Edited 14th May 2018 5:37pm
30th Sep 2012 6:20am
<< post removed >>
![Anonymous](/images/avatars/_nopicmini.gif)
re: Re: EXIT.
1st Oct 2012 3:42am
Re: EXIT.
30th Sep 2012 9:06pm
Such a temptress! Very good write, now go to your room and dont come out till you're 40, lol... JJ
0
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re: Re: EXIT.
1st Oct 2012 3:42am
:]
1st Oct 2012 1:25am
Carla
some powerful lines. straight in the gut.
love the brutality. aglitch has done it,
already and i agree with most of what
she has said. its powerful as it is.
a bit of structuring will do the rest.
pigpen people are mostly big on punctuation
and capitalization. i dont follow any, so i
am the last person to make suggestions.
however i would suggest you to play a bit
with the structure here.
i hope you don't mind. it's just an example.
i have changed line breaks to show you
the effect.
"It’s not easy being filthy.
[damn fine first line. bang!]
Women warn their daughters of me
while their husbands
lost in ecstasy
wrap the sheets
around my throat
strangling
the shame
of infidelity.
[S2 begins well. the punch carries itself.
love the action here. i have arranged it
according to my own taste. i found the
whole scene needed to breathe in its
entirety. just me.]
My lips tremble
and my sinuses burn
constantly like I’ve drank
bottles of bleach
[pure gold. well done.]
Can you believe
I’m their favorite drink?
They swallow me whole;
my pain, deep and swelling
in their chests
like the midnight sobs
that I cannot suppress.
[my favourite bit. perfect as it is.
i have restructured it again based on
my own understanding of the poem.
punctuation is not my strong suit, so i
play with structures. that's what i have
shown here. just me.
a wonderful read, m'dear.
keep them coming.
power,
sumeet
some powerful lines. straight in the gut.
love the brutality. aglitch has done it,
already and i agree with most of what
she has said. its powerful as it is.
a bit of structuring will do the rest.
pigpen people are mostly big on punctuation
and capitalization. i dont follow any, so i
am the last person to make suggestions.
however i would suggest you to play a bit
with the structure here.
i hope you don't mind. it's just an example.
i have changed line breaks to show you
the effect.
"It’s not easy being filthy.
[damn fine first line. bang!]
Women warn their daughters of me
while their husbands
lost in ecstasy
wrap the sheets
around my throat
strangling
the shame
of infidelity.
[S2 begins well. the punch carries itself.
love the action here. i have arranged it
according to my own taste. i found the
whole scene needed to breathe in its
entirety. just me.]
My lips tremble
and my sinuses burn
constantly like I’ve drank
bottles of bleach
[pure gold. well done.]
Can you believe
I’m their favorite drink?
They swallow me whole;
my pain, deep and swelling
in their chests
like the midnight sobs
that I cannot suppress.
[my favourite bit. perfect as it is.
i have restructured it again based on
my own understanding of the poem.
punctuation is not my strong suit, so i
play with structures. that's what i have
shown here. just me.
a wonderful read, m'dear.
keep them coming.
power,
sumeet
0
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re: :]
1st Oct 2012 4:18am
re: re: :]
1st Oct 2012 2:26pm
ah! quite effective now.well done.
just one last suggestion. i am in love
with the beginning of the last stanza.
i feel they should stand alone, breathing
on their own.
"Can you believe
I’m their favorite drink?"
and then
the rest..
this is frigging too good to not have
a place of its own.
just a thought.:]
much love,
sumeet
just one last suggestion. i am in love
with the beginning of the last stanza.
i feel they should stand alone, breathing
on their own.
"Can you believe
I’m their favorite drink?"
and then
the rest..
this is frigging too good to not have
a place of its own.
just a thought.:]
much love,
sumeet
0
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Re: EXIT.
7th Oct 2012 11:45pm
Re: EXIT.
9th Oct 2012 4:55am
re: Re: EXIT.
If you have nothing of importance to say just leave. I don't need /flirty/ comments about being a "dirty girl". There is a reason this isn't marked as erotic because it's not supposed to be. It is supposed to introduce the heart wrenching realities of prostitutes and women who use sex as a shield. Please go read some smut on this site and don't return to my poems until you can behave. From now on comments of this nature will be disregarded.
Re: EXIT.
20th Oct 2012 11:17am
hello carla
sweet i love it all, i love the poem (i assume the edits are complete) there is nothing i would change now, i think the point is vivid, the writing exceptional and the flow lovely. reminds me of myself in a metaphorical way.
i also love the comment reply above, if i could i would give you a standing ovation for it.
xoxo
(P)
sweet i love it all, i love the poem (i assume the edits are complete) there is nothing i would change now, i think the point is vivid, the writing exceptional and the flow lovely. reminds me of myself in a metaphorical way.
i also love the comment reply above, if i could i would give you a standing ovation for it.
xoxo
(P)
0
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re: Re: EXIT.
24th Oct 2012 8:43am
Re: EXIT.
18th Nov 2012 9:38am
re: Re: EXIT.
18th Nov 2012 10:23am
Re: EXIT.
16th Apr 2013 9:51pm
very cool opening apart from the "while their husbands, lost in xtc" bit
theres no sense of action, so it could be someone else lost in ecstasy.
im sure you could make it flow better too, the use of the word infidelity seems out of place, too clunky.
as does sinuses.
anyway im out of energy now and my comments only reflect my idea of poetry so take what u will
theres no sense of action, so it could be someone else lost in ecstasy.
im sure you could make it flow better too, the use of the word infidelity seems out of place, too clunky.
as does sinuses.
anyway im out of energy now and my comments only reflect my idea of poetry so take what u will
0
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re: Re: EXIT.
17th Apr 2013 3:52am
re: Re: EXIT.
17th May 2013 11:18pm