The Monastery Rejected My Application

Fist fuck a nun with a barbecue fork while she force feeds pork

To a rabbi until rabies sets in while I beat my meat in a purple Stetson

Playing the soundtrack to “Requiem for a Dream”

As I weigh out Flintstones vitamins on a triple beam

White knuckle gripping a heroin spoon, slicing my nostrils vertically leaving strips notched;

Every time I blow my nose the flare-up looks like a car wash

I slip on my silver speedo, dragging it over stretch marks and skin gone bad

Applying eye shadow to my stubble and waxing my unibrow with the stickies on a Maxi pad

Licking the powder off potato chips and putting them back in the bag before drinking week old instant Nestea

Used to drowning in my sorrows, now I’m only wading chest deep

I shut my cock in the crisper drawer to keep it firm; my urethra burns

I ran out of Viagra and peyote; I’m still waiting on my tax return

Setting fire to the archive of demerits and detention

As well as a bevy of other deeds far too foul to mention