deepundergroundpoetry.com
half a story
the children on the bus don't speak, don't look
at those two, there
with scaffolded shoulders
brittle necks kinked askew
those two, who know
that everybody knows
about the other two children
lying somewhere
tubes in, arms out
don't look, no need
it's heavy in their clothes, damp from rain
that smell of poor
starched flat with hand-me-down sin
satchels carrying the sound of gunshot
and letters written red:
adulteress, murderess
they're silent, for now
but nothing so damning
as a small town, turned
nothing so vicious
as a busload of children, armed
with half a story
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likes 8
reading list entries 2
comments 16
reads 221
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The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
- Edited 5th Aug 2019 1:43am
8th Aug 2012 3:26pm
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![Anonymous](/images/avatars/_nopicmini.gif)
re: Re: half a story
8th Aug 2012 3:48pm
Been trying to convey more, yet say less. Thank you Mr Alptraum, for your encouragement here.
Re: half a story
Anonymous
8th Aug 2012 5:01pm
WOW! Impressive Write! I love the vivid representation! I found your pen's irregular heartbeat throughout this write excellent! Thanks for sharing!:-)
![Anonymous](/images/avatars/_nopicmini.gif)
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re: Re: half a story
8th Aug 2012 5:19pm
Anonymous
- Edited 15th May 2018 11:36am
8th Aug 2012 5:05pm
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![Anonymous](/images/avatars/_nopicmini.gif)
re: Re: half a story
8th Aug 2012 5:48pm
Used 'that' to hopefully amplify a sense of objectification, though perhaps it lands awkwardly
Pleased you found interest in the story, Jestalessa, thank you :-)
Pleased you found interest in the story, Jestalessa, thank you :-)
Anonymous
- Edited 14th May 2018 5:37pm
8th Aug 2012 6:05pm
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![Anonymous](/images/avatars/_nopicmini.gif)
re: Re: half a story
8th Aug 2012 6:19pm
Chuckled when I read your comment regarding the word 'half' ... glad you liked it! Thank you, aglitch
Anonymous
- Edited 5th Apr 2021 9:35am
9th Aug 2012 2:14am
<< post removed >>
![Anonymous](/images/avatars/_nopicmini.gif)
re: yes...
Do appreciate your continued welcome here, dp
Yeah, kinda hard for someone to read a story if I'm still clutching the book to my chest; trying to use third-person more, which hopefully allows folks to briefly borrow it ;-) Thank you for supporting that process, cheers man
Yeah, kinda hard for someone to read a story if I'm still clutching the book to my chest; trying to use third-person more, which hopefully allows folks to briefly borrow it ;-) Thank you for supporting that process, cheers man
Re: half a story
10th Aug 2012 3:15pm
You have been gettin chatted up good n proper..i see why. Brilliant concept and phrasing..gonna go ahead and jump on this bandwagon now.
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re: Re: half a story
10th Aug 2012 11:07pm
:]
12th Aug 2012 00:52am
kaatho
have been hearing a lot. i dont take
what i hear that seriously, but these
are all stalwarts in their own accord.
waited my bit and sneaked in here.
dont have much to say. you clearly know
your ground, have honed your craft and
now you are waging a war that is one
sided. bus rides and children make me
giddy and leave me speechless. in a
good/bad way.
will delve into the space you have spun
out of nonmatter in due course of time.
thank you for sharing.
respect,
sumeet
have been hearing a lot. i dont take
what i hear that seriously, but these
are all stalwarts in their own accord.
waited my bit and sneaked in here.
dont have much to say. you clearly know
your ground, have honed your craft and
now you are waging a war that is one
sided. bus rides and children make me
giddy and leave me speechless. in a
good/bad way.
will delve into the space you have spun
out of nonmatter in due course of time.
thank you for sharing.
respect,
sumeet
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re: :]
12th Aug 2012 9:08am
Re: half a story
6th Sep 2012 6:04am
Wow you really know how to tell a story and make it come alive. Idk hemi might have a run for his money when it come to you. You're really talented
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re: Re: half a story
I appreciate your encouragement, Gigi. Thank you for your generosity :-)
As for Hemi, I reckon he's a much safer bet ;-)
As for Hemi, I reckon he's a much safer bet ;-)