Promises Un-kept

Wow Christian, thank you. It is still a work in progress though, but the changes won't be too drastic. I am glad that you like it though.
I guess it does have a similar type of tale though a whole different meaning in my mind. Now I am going to have to reflect on my subconscious here =P

Thanks for the great comment and the add =D

I agree dp, and that is why I told Christian that it is still a work in progress. =)
I very much appreciate your honest feed back. I noticed too about the rhythm, I will work on fixing that.  
 
Thanks for stopping by =)

By nature of its cadence and pattern, this poem has eloquence and design written all through it.  You've covered the territory and been on all sides of the subject.  It's really quiet a good piece and you'll have many wonderful days out of it.  Please do, write some more.

That's very nice, thank you. So glad you stopped by. =)

True.

Thank you Missy, that always means a lot from you. =)

Thank you Magdalena. That's a great point. Even further, we're not guaranteed the next five seconds either. So any promise made isn't entirely up to us to keep. Thank you so much for stopping by and leaving a jugs comment. =)

he promised this...she promised that
but only my promise is the actual fact
because i have the control
but its hard when Love is the goal
we want it so bad
to the point where we would rather be sad
holding onto the broken dreams
unfulfilled promises & such things
all because we want to be adorned
but poisoned love cant do it....so please be warned....

"but its hard when Love is the goal
we want it so bad
to the point where we would rather be sad "

It's true. Thank you for stopping by and leaving your thoughtful comment, Eric.

rachel

happy to see a submission from you.
straight to work, i say.:)



"he promised today

to be the last time
we blissfully drown
in this black hole
we call paradise


[solid start.  i would personally prefer
'would be' in stead of 'to be'but that's
just me. drown works fine, however i believe
its not the best you can come up with.

possible suggestion: crash. drown is not
as strong as it used to be. has been done
to death and hence watered down. just a suggestion.

paradise is refreshing.]


to be the last time
we delightfully sink
in this white plague
we call heaven

[repetition. i won't say potent.

to be can be removed. the first can carry
forward till here. white plague is effective
and it is a graphic and legendary image.
however i am not entirely happy with sink.
i will give it some time. ]


today, he promised

he promised tomorrow

to be the first time
we anguishly stand
in this hurricane
we call purgatory

[now i see a pattern.

anguishly is grammatically wrong. there is
no such word. suggestion:

anguished, we stand..

purgatory is solid. all the three references
have been great so far i must say.]

to be the first time
we miserably fight
in this demonic tornado
we call hell


[to be can be removed imo. you can start
with 'the first time' as a continuation.
demonic is novel, i must say. ]

tomorrow, he promised

he promised next week

to be the first time
we courageously fight
in this war
we call addiction

[fight has been used once. not effective.
an alternative probably will do the trick.

this can be replaced with 'the'. cause
here we are dealing with something intangible
and the would be universal in the context.

..in the war we call addiction.
fight can be replaced with battle 'here' imo.]


to be the first time
we desirously make love
in this euphoric nirvana
we call us

[solid. love this image. euphoria suits
nirvana.the concept of 'us' being that
is itself great here.]


next week, he promised

he promised next month

to be the first time
we fearlessly join
in this holy matrimony
we call marriage

[again. this is confusing. unless the
narrator is a larger than life voice
pointing at various aspects of life/addiction.
'the' would do fine. think about it and i hope
i am making sense and not being dense.]

to be the first time
we effortlessly breathe
in this pure breeze
we call life

[the best. lovely image. smile.]

next month, he promised

he promised today
we would finish our stash

and we did

he promised today
he wouldn't choke on his honor

but he did

[baam. choke is a word i love and
lovely use here. hits hard. great choice.]

he promised tomorrow
he wouldn't suffocate on his prophecies

[continued. the punch is here as well.
prophecies is a great addition.]

but he did

he promised next week
he wouldn't perish on his assurances

[perish does not fit. i know the idea
is to find a synonym/alternate for
'choke'. technically one 'perishes'
under/in something which is a malady.

suggestion: fail with. jmho]


but he did

he promised next month
I wouldn't wake up to a new life
alone

but I did

today, I promised

[i would suggest to end it at the previous
line.  remove the 'but' and give it enough
gun powder.

...i did. baam. the last line is redundant
imho.]

well. a universal tale told well. i have been
familiar with your work and in that regard
some lovely imagery here. apt and congruent.

an edit and some time to ponder and this will be better. congratulations on touching on a grim subject with your usual sensitive touch.

all idea/suggestions jmho. :)

happy writing,

sumeet

Sumeet, thank you as always. I thought already on most of what you said, but there are things I didn't think as well. I knew it wasn't finished and I am glad to have your help with detecting what isn't quite right with it. As well as DP's. I usually finish it before I publish it, but I kept struggling with what needed to be done. I knew I'd get some feed back. So I went ahead and posted. Glad I did. I look forward to making some changes. Thanks a bunch. =D

hey, that's fine.i have done that a few times. but usually dont get any.then i pm dp and he gives me a good kicking for being lazy.:D that about sees it.

work-in-progress is fine. the heart is ready here. the spirit is there. just a bit of new flesh and some skin and some mousee. ah we have a poem. :-)

look forward to see this in the new form.

I know those promises well, and feel very much the battle that he promised you would go through together. I LOVE how you ended it with all the promises broken, and then the resolve of your own promise.

Thank you Starlight! It's too bad that so many can relate. Thank you for your feedback. It is much appreciated. :)

Very true Strider, thank you =)

Well take this time to offer a formal howdy..so howdy!...reading through your work,and decided this as a dandy spot to leave a hoofprint... Found it a great and engaging write,that doubled in gratification as the structure is revealed later on in the verse...love the anxious questions and affirmations, leaving off at I do...a pleasure

Well howdy! (formally)

I am thrilled you decided to gallop my way for a drink of what is hopefully cool spring water.

I appreciate very much your feedback.

Oh, and congratulations on being my 100th follower. It may not be a lot in comparison, but I'm happy about it. :)

Your prize? Well, I hope it will be more engaging reads for your gratification. :D

Thanks again lightbaron, I am a fan, and your presence means a lot.

XxXx

Awww sooky..love that im your 100th...cheers!