The Silence Kills

  The silence in this house is almost too much to bear tonight. Mix that with his ignoring me and its a disaster waiting to happen. I knew this was coming. I can feel my heart breaking. Shortly it will be in a million different pieces, here on the rug where I sit.
  Why did I let this happen? Why didnt I choose hate instead of love? Why? It's so simple really...I love him. I want and need him. I crave being his wife. Why can't I just leave him alone? Why can't I give him space? Why can't I go one day without speaking to him? What was I thinking calling him up at 2am?
  He calms my world with a simple, "Hey punkin." I will be the death of this. I will be the reason it all ends. I will destroy the love he feels for me simply by not letting him have his space, by not understanding that he has a life, by not backing off and knowing that yes he needs to eat, sleep, shower, be by himself.
  He is my life, my world, the reason I breathe. I pray for him more than I pray for myself, I want only the best for him, his happiness means more than mine, I want him to know what true love feels like, I want and need him to want and need me as much as I do him.
  I want too much, I expect too much, I am too intense, I over analyse everything, I think it to death. He doesn't know why I do this and I am afraid to tell him. What if he takes his love and leaves? What will I do then?
  Lord God please let him stay with me. Please let him understand that it isn't him that is making me feel this way. Let him have faith in my love and understanding of my demons. Please let him feel my love and know that it will always be there for him. The walls that I built around my heart, he is the only one who has been able to get through it. Doesn't that mean something? Doesn't that mean that he owns my heart now, my love, my soul?
  What hurts, really hurts is that tonight I wanted to tell him that I need to see him. He either needs to come here, I go there, or we meet somewhere in the middle. It's the only way for him to know the love I have for him. I need the chance to show it, not just say it.
  I know deep down that I ruined this. I pushed him away. I threw away my love, my one true love, all because I can't stop the thoughts in my head.
  All the abuse that I went through has my head filled with deep dark thoughts of my worthlessness, my lack of being able to live up to anyones measures. The words that were screamed at me, bashed into my head, tighten around my neck, the words that were screamed at me all three times that my ex tried to kill me...I am not worth anything, no man will ever love me, I will be alone for the rest of my life because I will never be good enough for anyone, I have nothing to offer any man outside of the bedroom, I am broken and will never be any mans pride and joy, just a bitch who deserves to be belittled, hit, slapped, thrown into walls, kicked, punched, strangled, bones broken, guns pointed at, called anything and everything, all love taken away and replaced as hate.
  Is that really what I am destine for? To be nothing and no one? Why cant I let all of it go? What is it going to take for me to stop this bullshit and accept the love of a good man?
  I wonder if he reads this what he will think and what he will do. Will he take his love and run far away from me, never even saying good bye, or will he tell me I am worth love, his love and then will he help me to feel it, to believe it.
  Will he hold me in the middle of the night when my nightmares come back to haunt me, when I am kicking and screaming to try to get away from my past? Will he make me laugh when all I want to do is cry because I remember a scene from my past? Will he tell me I am beautiful on those days when all I can see is something ugly and useless? Will he tell me, show me, make me believe that his love is the real deal and that everything I experienced in the past was not even close to love? Will he forgive me for being moody and needing constant reassurance that his love is mine?
  But most of all will he understand that I want to be his, need him to make me his, and will he do it? Will he overlook my past, see through my insecurities and love me for who I am and for who I will be? I can only pray that God sees fit to let me keep this love that he has brought back into my life. I love you baby more than anything in this world. Please don't leave but if you must take your love and walk away, please tell me goodbye first. Let my heart be ripped out in one swift motion instead of piece by piece.