Journal

Sometimes I feel like this can't be real.
I just somehow think that it's impossible
for me to end up in a treatment center.
That it's impossible for me to be addicted.

Sometimes I think I must be in a coma,
or that this is the most terrible nightmare
I have ever had.
I don't understand how things like this can be
possible. How can this girl end up on lock-down facility?
How could I have done this to my family?
And why do I want to die so bad?

Sometimes, I just wish I could be normal.
With normal grades, a normal job, and maybe
even a normal personality; at least one that
molds to the way society approves.

Sometimes I just want to know why this hurts so much.
Why do I feel so much pain? Why am I like this?
Why?  I just wish I could do something, like
saving the world.  Maybe then I could like myself?

Sometimes, most times actually, I just want to give up.
I want to give into the act of suicide. I just want to die.
I feel so much in pain. These medications don't help.
This therapy isn't working. I really don't know if I
can do this anymore.

Sometimes I cry for no reason, and sometimes I can't cry.
I have anxiety attacks and cravings.
Why did it fail? Why did I survive the overdose?
What am I to do in life?  What can I do?

Sometimes I do believe in God.  And when I do I ask
that guy for strength, or for something to live for.
Something that will make me worthy of living in this world.
I want to keep going, but mostly, I just want to give up.