i can't write suicide notes

I don't remember the days
like this anymore, the
ones where I'm fighting clouded-sky headaches,
cutting fresh grass with safety scissors -
smiling because I forgot to.

It doesn't have meaning
after a while.
I tried to tell you,
the difference between you and I
was that I've been considering it
since before
I knew it was possible.

I know that I will die soon.

And I know it will mean more to you
than I portray when we fight.



I remember being overjoyed
the first time I tried
a chocolate covered
coffee bean.
Sometimes when I see them
in the glass candy jars
I feel like crying
because they don't mean as much
as I want them to.