Getting Better/Worse

I don't know how to feel,
I feel so strayed,
But not too real,
I should remove the blade,
From my heart,
But I still need it,
To keep it from falling apart,
So i'll inch it bit by bit,
Until my pain can subside,
I don't want to wed,
Yet I want a bride,
One that won't leave me dead,
I want to run away,
So I won't see you again,
But I know I need to stay,
To see you my beautiful friend,
I need us to be more,
Yet I can't get you,
I don't want to implore,
Yet I need to stay true,
So I won't do anything,
There's nothing I can try,
Except nearly everything,
Oh man,
Why won't I die?