Hateing myself again

Bile in my mouth
My mind isnt right
Im sick all the time
Life isnt great
Addiction lurks
Like a shadowed cloak of fate
Im insane with the urges
I finally vomit it purges
But my smile it wavers
Nobody doin me any favors

Im in a situation
My only job is living
But my memories
are far from forgiving
It doesnt mean i will use
I write the need my only muse
I search crazily for something
That eases my pain
But just eating makes me sick
Please give me strength
When all around im hurting

Dieing  inside i sit in constant
Darkness trying to hide
It kills my pride
The monster inside
Rears its ugly head
Id be better off
If i could just climb into bed
But i sit in this darkness instead
I just want to pound my head
Against a wall untill unconscious i fall