deepundergroundpoetry.com
Chameleon
I always said that I would never change, for no one.
Now I look in the mirror and I see that I did, I changed so much that I don't even know how to be me anymore.
I said that I would never change but because of so many changes in my life-- I learned to adapt to a situation.
I remember walking by the ISS room and seeing him in there with people that he regularly did not not associate with, talking and laughing just like they were the best of friends.
You can speak to adults that are strangers the same way you speak to adults that you know. To teachers, parents, people you just met.
I am not that way, I look at a situation not in how do I blend with these people so that I am one of them but how do I blend with these people so that they don't hurt me.
I called you a chameleon, but you're not a chameleon-- I am a chameleon.
I change so that I may survive the situations that I have been placed in, I change my color for you just as often as I change my color for anyone. I changed my color for my step-father because I was afraid of him and I did not want him to see the things I did wrong, I changed my color for my mother so that she could get me the help I needed, I changed my color for my grandfather and my father so that they would be proud of me, I changed my color for my friends and for strangers so they wouldn't see genuinely how fucked up I was underneath my mask. I changed my color for him, for her, and for you.
I swore that I would never change.
But now I can't be the person I was in the beginning, the person that I haven't been for so many years. Years that I can't seem to remember, my brain now automatically changes my colors whenever something bad happens. I can stay a certain color for a certain amount of time but sometimes I forget to change, or I change to the opposite color that I am suppose to be.
With this I am telling you, my color changes back to blue-- How do I ask you this, will you help me through?
I break down and cling to him because I do not want to be alone, I do not like being alone because I have no one to protect me from what may be lurking in the shadows or on the computer screen when I log on. What words will she have composed together that will destroy me today, I need him there to stop me from getting out the razors and hurting myself.
I need him to stand by for another break down, there will always be another after the first one. I will never be better, I have been broke so many times. I am now a chameleon, I adapt to situations, I am use to these things happening that my colors just change through a cycle and I am now able to blend in with everyone else, only so that I may stay alive. But sometimes it's hard for me to blend in, it's hard for me to not show my true colors--
I was never good at pretending to be okay, and that was never a lie.
I like to say that no one can change me but then I realize that people changed me for the worse, people made me weak, people made me pathetic.
I wanted to believe for so long that I was strong but I know now that I am not, even though my body and brain tell myself to be strong even when I am technically showing that I am breaking down right in front of you.
Sadly all the people that I changed for, all the people that I tried to please-- They left, moved on, didn't care, hated me to begin with or have died-- Passed away into darkness never to be seen again.
Never again. . .
Stand by for another breakdown. . .
Sound off the alarm, the patient is trying to hurt herself again.
I'm breaking down in front of you, I'm showing you what I really am-- Please don't leave me I am at my most vulnerable now.
I am the chameleon, the creature that all my life I swore I wouldn't become.
But I have. . .
I hide by blending in.
I lie to myself and the people around me.
I try to be something that I am not, and then do not know what it's like to be me.
I show my true colors, then change them so that no one sees what I really am.
So no one hurts me.
So that I stay safe.
I am still trying to protect myself, even from you-- Afraid that you will also eventually hurt me.
You are the one here to protect me but when you are not here my mind resorts back to when it had to defend itself and it tells me to blend in and pretend that you belong here.
Be a chameleon.
I am the chameleon.
The chameleon that I swore I wouldn't become.
I am that chameleon.
Now I look in the mirror and I see that I did, I changed so much that I don't even know how to be me anymore.
I said that I would never change but because of so many changes in my life-- I learned to adapt to a situation.
I remember walking by the ISS room and seeing him in there with people that he regularly did not not associate with, talking and laughing just like they were the best of friends.
You can speak to adults that are strangers the same way you speak to adults that you know. To teachers, parents, people you just met.
I am not that way, I look at a situation not in how do I blend with these people so that I am one of them but how do I blend with these people so that they don't hurt me.
I called you a chameleon, but you're not a chameleon-- I am a chameleon.
I change so that I may survive the situations that I have been placed in, I change my color for you just as often as I change my color for anyone. I changed my color for my step-father because I was afraid of him and I did not want him to see the things I did wrong, I changed my color for my mother so that she could get me the help I needed, I changed my color for my grandfather and my father so that they would be proud of me, I changed my color for my friends and for strangers so they wouldn't see genuinely how fucked up I was underneath my mask. I changed my color for him, for her, and for you.
I swore that I would never change.
But now I can't be the person I was in the beginning, the person that I haven't been for so many years. Years that I can't seem to remember, my brain now automatically changes my colors whenever something bad happens. I can stay a certain color for a certain amount of time but sometimes I forget to change, or I change to the opposite color that I am suppose to be.
With this I am telling you, my color changes back to blue-- How do I ask you this, will you help me through?
I break down and cling to him because I do not want to be alone, I do not like being alone because I have no one to protect me from what may be lurking in the shadows or on the computer screen when I log on. What words will she have composed together that will destroy me today, I need him there to stop me from getting out the razors and hurting myself.
I need him to stand by for another break down, there will always be another after the first one. I will never be better, I have been broke so many times. I am now a chameleon, I adapt to situations, I am use to these things happening that my colors just change through a cycle and I am now able to blend in with everyone else, only so that I may stay alive. But sometimes it's hard for me to blend in, it's hard for me to not show my true colors--
I was never good at pretending to be okay, and that was never a lie.
I like to say that no one can change me but then I realize that people changed me for the worse, people made me weak, people made me pathetic.
I wanted to believe for so long that I was strong but I know now that I am not, even though my body and brain tell myself to be strong even when I am technically showing that I am breaking down right in front of you.
Sadly all the people that I changed for, all the people that I tried to please-- They left, moved on, didn't care, hated me to begin with or have died-- Passed away into darkness never to be seen again.
Never again. . .
Stand by for another breakdown. . .
Sound off the alarm, the patient is trying to hurt herself again.
I'm breaking down in front of you, I'm showing you what I really am-- Please don't leave me I am at my most vulnerable now.
I am the chameleon, the creature that all my life I swore I wouldn't become.
But I have. . .
I hide by blending in.
I lie to myself and the people around me.
I try to be something that I am not, and then do not know what it's like to be me.
I show my true colors, then change them so that no one sees what I really am.
So no one hurts me.
So that I stay safe.
I am still trying to protect myself, even from you-- Afraid that you will also eventually hurt me.
You are the one here to protect me but when you are not here my mind resorts back to when it had to defend itself and it tells me to blend in and pretend that you belong here.
Be a chameleon.
I am the chameleon.
The chameleon that I swore I wouldn't become.
I am that chameleon.
Published 9th Jan 2012
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