deepundergroundpoetry.com
The Listening
"That's not what she meant. . ."
Oh dear love, please don't try and translate what I'm trying to say-- It doesn't matter much anyway, I always mess up what I'm trying to say and only you know when to give me a moment to collect my thoughts. You understand that I stutter and stumble over my words and that I can't always find that right thing that I want to say, I am always searching and seeking out some kind of magic words so that I can get my point across. I mean to say one thing but I get confused and flustered and end up saying the wrong thing completely because too much pressure gets put on me to explain myself and I can't remember what I wanted to say.
She would do that to me.
"I love you both the same--"
SHIT. . . That's not what I wanted to say, I meant to say the same level but in different ways. That's not what came out and so I looked like such a horrible person, my emotions always get in my way when I'm trying to say something and than I always get sad and start crying, running away and hiding, getting out of cars and walking away, running out of houses and into traffic. Because no one listens to what I'm trying to say, not what I am saying but what I haven't said yet. No one else has to show some empathy, everyone else can say and do whatever they want and I'm not allowed to misunderstand that because it's you.
The words you say. . . They aren't meant to hurt me but yet they do?
MOTHER
"You interrupted my music."
"You interrupted my life."
Thanks mom, I'm glad that I've been that much of a problem for you. I'll remember that next time I'm cutting my wrist, I'll cut a little deeper next time just for you mom. But when the tables have turned I'm the bad person.
"I want to have my own room so that I'm not in the same room with you only five feet away from me."
"Oh you don't want me around at all."
You can be offended by me wanting privacy but I can't be offended by being called a "life interruption"?
Oh well alright-- I'll be sure to remember that one.
EX-LOVER
"I never finished anything, I started you and now he'll finish you."
I'm not a painting, or a book that you can make a collabration with someone about. I am not a piece of work that needs to be finished-- I'm a person and I thought that you loved me but you gave me to someone else. I'm not allowed to be offended by that. But yet you can be offended by me telling you the (I don't know) maybe the truth--
"Always your problems, never mine. Everytime it seemed that one problem was getting better, you had something else wrong with you."
"You think I asked for these problems? For all of this bad stuff to happen to me?"
I didn't say that. . .
Why isn't anyone listening to me?
Can anyone hear the trees whispering as the wind blows through their branches? The ground moving for me so that I may get to where I need to go without actually moving because I'm afraid to fall from where I stand.
Why can't my mouth stop moving and everyone hear what I'm not saying?
Why can't my mouth do the listening?
The Listening. . .
I do listen, I know everything that you've said to me but sometimes I just don't understand what you're talking about. You just keep talking and talking, and after a while it doesn't make sense and you're not saying anything at all and you're just confusing everyone around you. Just shut your mouth and listen to someone that isn't yourself for once, we might have something good to say-- We might have a voice and an opinion, we might have something worth listening to.
But it seems that I'm the only one who does the listening, because when I say something-- Still no one understands that I'm not going to get my words right the first time and I need time to organize my thoughts but you're always making me feel really uncomfortable, staring at me waiting for me to answer, yelling at me when I don't give an answer right away, and when I do give an answer assuming that I mean something completely different and than making me feel horrible.
A person like me learns to just wipe her mouth away and just stop talking because whatever she says now is going to be wrong and make everyone else feel bad, so then she can feel bad.
"I'm sorry, I know what I want to say-- I just don't know how to say it."
"I understand, take your time."
What?
Did you just say that I can think for a while before giving you an answer?
Can you hear what I'm not saying because I think you can, you know exactly what I'm trying to say without hurting anyone's feeling. You know what I meant when I yelled at my mother and you helped me understand why she was hurt and why I was right to be upset, you like explaining things to me so than I can explain things more better and not get so confused by my own emotions.
So just listen to me please, anyone, everyone, no one, someone-- I just want you to listen to me, listen to what I am saying and hear the words inside, those that I am not saying but that I'm trying to say. Thank you love for showing me that I'm not the only one left of people that listen, thank you love for listening to me, thank you love for listening.
To what?
To what I wasn't saying but what I had been trying to say all along.
But no one heard me.
No one cared about me.
No one wanted me.
No one needed me.
No one loved me.
But then you came along and you saved me, and you listen to me.
So thank you, thank you for the listening.
Oh dear love, please don't try and translate what I'm trying to say-- It doesn't matter much anyway, I always mess up what I'm trying to say and only you know when to give me a moment to collect my thoughts. You understand that I stutter and stumble over my words and that I can't always find that right thing that I want to say, I am always searching and seeking out some kind of magic words so that I can get my point across. I mean to say one thing but I get confused and flustered and end up saying the wrong thing completely because too much pressure gets put on me to explain myself and I can't remember what I wanted to say.
She would do that to me.
"I love you both the same--"
SHIT. . . That's not what I wanted to say, I meant to say the same level but in different ways. That's not what came out and so I looked like such a horrible person, my emotions always get in my way when I'm trying to say something and than I always get sad and start crying, running away and hiding, getting out of cars and walking away, running out of houses and into traffic. Because no one listens to what I'm trying to say, not what I am saying but what I haven't said yet. No one else has to show some empathy, everyone else can say and do whatever they want and I'm not allowed to misunderstand that because it's you.
The words you say. . . They aren't meant to hurt me but yet they do?
MOTHER
"You interrupted my music."
"You interrupted my life."
Thanks mom, I'm glad that I've been that much of a problem for you. I'll remember that next time I'm cutting my wrist, I'll cut a little deeper next time just for you mom. But when the tables have turned I'm the bad person.
"I want to have my own room so that I'm not in the same room with you only five feet away from me."
"Oh you don't want me around at all."
You can be offended by me wanting privacy but I can't be offended by being called a "life interruption"?
Oh well alright-- I'll be sure to remember that one.
EX-LOVER
"I never finished anything, I started you and now he'll finish you."
I'm not a painting, or a book that you can make a collabration with someone about. I am not a piece of work that needs to be finished-- I'm a person and I thought that you loved me but you gave me to someone else. I'm not allowed to be offended by that. But yet you can be offended by me telling you the (I don't know) maybe the truth--
"Always your problems, never mine. Everytime it seemed that one problem was getting better, you had something else wrong with you."
"You think I asked for these problems? For all of this bad stuff to happen to me?"
I didn't say that. . .
Why isn't anyone listening to me?
Can anyone hear the trees whispering as the wind blows through their branches? The ground moving for me so that I may get to where I need to go without actually moving because I'm afraid to fall from where I stand.
Why can't my mouth stop moving and everyone hear what I'm not saying?
Why can't my mouth do the listening?
The Listening. . .
I do listen, I know everything that you've said to me but sometimes I just don't understand what you're talking about. You just keep talking and talking, and after a while it doesn't make sense and you're not saying anything at all and you're just confusing everyone around you. Just shut your mouth and listen to someone that isn't yourself for once, we might have something good to say-- We might have a voice and an opinion, we might have something worth listening to.
But it seems that I'm the only one who does the listening, because when I say something-- Still no one understands that I'm not going to get my words right the first time and I need time to organize my thoughts but you're always making me feel really uncomfortable, staring at me waiting for me to answer, yelling at me when I don't give an answer right away, and when I do give an answer assuming that I mean something completely different and than making me feel horrible.
A person like me learns to just wipe her mouth away and just stop talking because whatever she says now is going to be wrong and make everyone else feel bad, so then she can feel bad.
"I'm sorry, I know what I want to say-- I just don't know how to say it."
"I understand, take your time."
What?
Did you just say that I can think for a while before giving you an answer?
Can you hear what I'm not saying because I think you can, you know exactly what I'm trying to say without hurting anyone's feeling. You know what I meant when I yelled at my mother and you helped me understand why she was hurt and why I was right to be upset, you like explaining things to me so than I can explain things more better and not get so confused by my own emotions.
So just listen to me please, anyone, everyone, no one, someone-- I just want you to listen to me, listen to what I am saying and hear the words inside, those that I am not saying but that I'm trying to say. Thank you love for showing me that I'm not the only one left of people that listen, thank you love for listening to me, thank you love for listening.
To what?
To what I wasn't saying but what I had been trying to say all along.
But no one heard me.
No one cared about me.
No one wanted me.
No one needed me.
No one loved me.
But then you came along and you saved me, and you listen to me.
So thank you, thank you for the listening.
Published 21st Dec 2011
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 0
reading list entries 0
comments 0
reads 129
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.