MY HEARTS BELONGINGS

Pain
a signal to the brain that something is damaged
A Memory
just a shadow of things that have past
A siren sounds
it hits me hard tonight
laying here
the lights dim from the shadow playing over and over in my head.
I have called you
you wont answer,
your anger,  its getting the best of you!
your promise you broke it!

I see you there in the far, far distant past
shaking you need your next fix
an addiction is not only to drugs..
there are more addictions than just the simple man made chemical
and you have found yours.. you love it
you cherish it
you hold it close to your heart sure to not let anyone from the outside see!
even those around you daily.. you have them tricked.
oh your trickery
how well it is
you even have your lover fooled!

I stay in my room where it is quiet and sometimes safe...
I look in the mirror now.
so much (pain) wrong, must fix it
I pull together all the HATE
I form the X with the two grips followed by two points
  
I place the point on my brow
I press
it rips
like a child rending a mother giving birth
I don’t scream, I don’t even cringe
it pleasers me to see that I can bleed
I watch it fall down the curves of my skin
I smile
unperfect just like its creator

barefoot  
I run outside the blood drips on the hot concrete  
I walk slowly to the mirror
laying on the couch I watch the hardening of my hearts belongings
that once gave life to apart of me that i will never get back
never be able to erase!

I twitch when I hear the car pull into the drive
 again I run,
 just to the door
you must not know that I am excited
 I slowly walk outside
you see me
I LIE
your mad, so pissed you don’t want to see me

I stand there baffled
you don’t care
I become invisible in your eyes
your mind says i do not exist
I go to my room where it is safe and sometimes quiet.
 
sitting on (my) the bed I rest my back on the corner
my heart out there for you to see
but you don’t (care) see me
in silence I wait
just a glimmer I hoped for
but nothing but dullness like the X I put to my skin

the door opens
your standing there
my heart is it beating again?
you pull me to the water closet
rip my hair back
place a knitted wool cloth in scolding water
your hand is red
 it is steaming
you make a fist with the cloth
and push
scrub
I feel the grit, I feel the wound opening again
but you do not let me feel the blood
your happy not at me,
but at yourself causing me pain
cleaned and covered your push me back
I walk trembling to my room
Pain
a signal to the brain that something is damaged
a memory
just a shadow of things that have past
A siren sounds
it hits me hard tonight
laying here
the lights dim from the shadow playing over and over in my head.