deepundergroundpoetry.com
God Help Me
God help me. . .
Standing at a crossroad between two people that I have grown so close to over such sort periods of time, and I am stuck in between them. I am torn between these two people bringing me into two different and yet very similar realities. One of creation, of belief that I can be someone, something that is important and that I do not need to be afraid. Another into a life of understanding and unconditional affection. Both worlds amazing in their own ways, both people amazing in their own ways. Standing to my right I have a girl, standing at five feet head and shoulders with black hair and amber eyes. She is my first everything and the one that I have dedicated my time and life to holding and helping. But when she pulls away from me, shoving me away and I lose grip on what matters to me for a few moments I fall into someone else, the guy who stands to my left with dark blonde hair and hazel eyes, someone who has helped me up off the ground when I was bloody with razor wounds and had no where else to turn afraid to upset anyone. And so I found myself falling, not into the valley of razors and knives, falling not because the bell jar was descending upon me and not falling because anxiety had gripped tightly onto my heart but because I was falling, falling, falling--
In love with two people.
A guy. . .
And a girl. . .
God help me--
That isn't right, that's what they're all going to say to me. Everyone knows that a person is only suppose to love one person, only one person. But what happens when you realize that your heart is so big that you have fallen into a problem in which they're two amazing people that love you and would do anything for you and whom you have fallen in love with, for different reasons and in different ways-- But on the same level. The level of wanting to commit to both of them, not one and not the other. I cannot imagine leaving one for the other, or forgetting about one and seeing nothing but the other. I love them both too much, they are apart of me. If it wasn't for them I would not be alive right now.
One saves me when I didn't think I was worth saving.
The other saves me when I don't want to be saved at all.
I love him.
I love her.
I love them.
They love me.
He.
She.
Me.
We.
God help me. . .
Is it a sin to love?
Is it a sin to want to be with two people (of the oppostie sex) at the same time?
What did I feel when I kissed her?
I felt everything, all of her love, her pain, her sadness, her past, her present. I felt all of the people that have walked away from her and how that I loved her so much that I didn't turn away for her, not now nor ever.
What did I feel when I kissed him?
I felt the understanding, the forbidden love, the feelings that were there but weren't meant to surface, I wanted them to surface. I pushed for them to surface, I wanted him to love me.
I wanted him to love me, like she loves me and I love them.
God help me. . .
This isn't what I wanted, I never wanted to be caught in a love triangle between two people that mean the world to me. I don't know why this is happening but I can't stop it, please help me understand this.
No one judge me.
Pull my into the center of the town and stone me for the scarlet letter that I am, do your damage your worse-- Nothing you damn people could do is anything compared to what I do to myself when you're not there.
I repent the sin, I commit the same crime.
I tear up my flesh, I hate myself to no end. I want to die, I try to drown, I cut up my legs. I don't want to be in this world hurting the two people who care about me.
I can't choose, I have too much to lose.
They are all I have, want, need. They are my friends, my loves, my family.
They have been there for me through everything.
What do I do?
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
GOD HELP ME.
I want her.
I want him.
I want them.
They both want me.
I am selfish.
I am confused.
I am worried.
I am scared.
I am hurt.
I am a scarlet letter.
I am an evil enchantress.
I love him.
I love her.
But. . .
I am happy.
Oh my. . .
God help me.
Standing at a crossroad between two people that I have grown so close to over such sort periods of time, and I am stuck in between them. I am torn between these two people bringing me into two different and yet very similar realities. One of creation, of belief that I can be someone, something that is important and that I do not need to be afraid. Another into a life of understanding and unconditional affection. Both worlds amazing in their own ways, both people amazing in their own ways. Standing to my right I have a girl, standing at five feet head and shoulders with black hair and amber eyes. She is my first everything and the one that I have dedicated my time and life to holding and helping. But when she pulls away from me, shoving me away and I lose grip on what matters to me for a few moments I fall into someone else, the guy who stands to my left with dark blonde hair and hazel eyes, someone who has helped me up off the ground when I was bloody with razor wounds and had no where else to turn afraid to upset anyone. And so I found myself falling, not into the valley of razors and knives, falling not because the bell jar was descending upon me and not falling because anxiety had gripped tightly onto my heart but because I was falling, falling, falling--
In love with two people.
A guy. . .
And a girl. . .
God help me--
That isn't right, that's what they're all going to say to me. Everyone knows that a person is only suppose to love one person, only one person. But what happens when you realize that your heart is so big that you have fallen into a problem in which they're two amazing people that love you and would do anything for you and whom you have fallen in love with, for different reasons and in different ways-- But on the same level. The level of wanting to commit to both of them, not one and not the other. I cannot imagine leaving one for the other, or forgetting about one and seeing nothing but the other. I love them both too much, they are apart of me. If it wasn't for them I would not be alive right now.
One saves me when I didn't think I was worth saving.
The other saves me when I don't want to be saved at all.
I love him.
I love her.
I love them.
They love me.
He.
She.
Me.
We.
God help me. . .
Is it a sin to love?
Is it a sin to want to be with two people (of the oppostie sex) at the same time?
What did I feel when I kissed her?
I felt everything, all of her love, her pain, her sadness, her past, her present. I felt all of the people that have walked away from her and how that I loved her so much that I didn't turn away for her, not now nor ever.
What did I feel when I kissed him?
I felt the understanding, the forbidden love, the feelings that were there but weren't meant to surface, I wanted them to surface. I pushed for them to surface, I wanted him to love me.
I wanted him to love me, like she loves me and I love them.
God help me. . .
This isn't what I wanted, I never wanted to be caught in a love triangle between two people that mean the world to me. I don't know why this is happening but I can't stop it, please help me understand this.
No one judge me.
Pull my into the center of the town and stone me for the scarlet letter that I am, do your damage your worse-- Nothing you damn people could do is anything compared to what I do to myself when you're not there.
I repent the sin, I commit the same crime.
I tear up my flesh, I hate myself to no end. I want to die, I try to drown, I cut up my legs. I don't want to be in this world hurting the two people who care about me.
I can't choose, I have too much to lose.
They are all I have, want, need. They are my friends, my loves, my family.
They have been there for me through everything.
What do I do?
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
God help me.
GOD HELP ME.
I want her.
I want him.
I want them.
They both want me.
I am selfish.
I am confused.
I am worried.
I am scared.
I am hurt.
I am a scarlet letter.
I am an evil enchantress.
I love him.
I love her.
But. . .
I am happy.
Oh my. . .
God help me.
Published 25th Nov 2011
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