The Great Fishy Finger Conspiracy

 I'm not bitter about batter
or crying over crumbs
It doesn't matter
that I don't know what's in 'em
but so far I've never seen a fish with hands

Fish never wave, do they?
they just keep swimming right on by
those cold staring eyes
calculating and biding their time
always glancing sideways
with that smug look on their faces...

They're really saying:
"I can do something you can't, bro.
Breathing water's second nature to me...
Go on, kiss my tail."

You don't see fish queuing
for disability allowance at the post office
when they've had their hands chopped off
fingers stuffed in a packet
and frozen for human consumption.

"I saw the doc after the defrost,
everything went limp..
He said I'd never do a day's work again."

"..Same here,
but whatever happens
us fish got to stick together.
Don't worry, our time will come.
Where we swimming today then?"

I'm certain they're organizing
in secret
sending coded messages by bubble
getting ready to swarm on to land
That goldfish you've been caring for
is part of the fishy SAS
trained to break out of its tank
at a moment's notice

And one day all the fish in the ocean
will rise up in protest
demanding compensation
for all those missing fingers
Some of them may even grow legs
they've probably got
fishy body part scientists
working on it underwater right now

There may be rioting--
gangs of angry young cod
roaming the streets
wearing hoodies
looting the butcher's shops
a lost generation of sardines
stealing your mobile phone
pilchards running for parliament
(well not exactly running)
angry eels on Twitter:
"Hooray, this is my first slither of the day."

So warn your children:
they may be white inside
but the slimy truth is
fish fingers
are a wicked, wicked,
lie.