deepundergroundpoetry.com
a series of dreams*
I was falling, I could not stop
and nobody could hear my screams
descending like a spinning top
I was falling, I could not stop
through the colors of a candy shop
my mind was bursting at the seams
I was falling, I could not stop
and nobody could hear my screams
I walked with her right through the light
but only I had crossed over
and she was nowhere in my sight.
I walked with her right through the light
and waited for her to alight
smiling,laughing, peace forever
I walked with her right through the light
but only I had crossed over
when the sun spoke it boomed at me
until all my anger faded
and bowed to its calamity
when the sun spoke it boomed at me
it cleansed me and it let me see
its warmth and wisdom cascaded
when the sun spoke it boomed at me
until all my anger faded
* inspired by bob dylans song
Published 21st Jul 2011
| Edited 22nd Jul 2011
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likes 12
reading list entries 2
comments 21
reads 374
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The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
- Edited 16th May 2018 5:47pm
21st Jul 2011 6:21am
<< post removed >>
21st Jul 2011 6:28am
haha! thanks shamen.
i have been toying with this since i listened to the song again on the tube about two weeks ago,then when i learned what a triloet was from jack, i figured it was a good form to do it in.
i have been toying with this since i listened to the song again on the tube about two weeks ago,then when i learned what a triloet was from jack, i figured it was a good form to do it in.
21st Jul 2011 3:16pm
21st Jul 2011 8:43pm
21st Jul 2011 4:25pm
21st Jul 2011 8:43pm
Anonymous
- Edited 15th May 2018 11:36am
22nd Jul 2011 8:22am
<< post removed >>
22nd Jul 2011 8:30am
thank you kindly jesta.
great observation there. trying to remember dreams after the fact is hard.i found trying to convey them in words even harder.
i am glad you liked it :)
shine on!
great observation there. trying to remember dreams after the fact is hard.i found trying to convey them in words even harder.
i am glad you liked it :)
shine on!
Anonymous
- Edited 14th May 2018 5:40pm
22nd Jul 2011 10:46pm
<< post removed >>
22nd Jul 2011 10:57pm
thanks aish:
funny you should say that about the first: second: and third.I was playing around with it last night and removed them but I put 'the fall': 'the separation': and 'the tranquility,: in its place. I will take them out and see what its like.
ahh! the capitalizing of the I's, well a shrink might say its because i dont like myself and thus i tend not to use the capital. I would say dont LISTEN TO THAT SHRINK BECAUSE HE DOES NOT KNOW ME.
truth is I am just lazy. i really have to go back over poems and sort that out.
thanks loads aish. :)
funny you should say that about the first: second: and third.I was playing around with it last night and removed them but I put 'the fall': 'the separation': and 'the tranquility,: in its place. I will take them out and see what its like.
ahh! the capitalizing of the I's, well a shrink might say its because i dont like myself and thus i tend not to use the capital. I would say dont LISTEN TO THAT SHRINK BECAUSE HE DOES NOT KNOW ME.
truth is I am just lazy. i really have to go back over poems and sort that out.
thanks loads aish. :)
25th Jul 2011 1:38pm
Beautiful blending! Like a Prisma color pencil! Lovely Eamon; t'was a simply and utterly lovely poem to read.
25th Jul 2011 1:54pm
thank you most kindly adel.
nice analogy.
always a pleasure to have you by.
shine on!!
nice analogy.
always a pleasure to have you by.
shine on!!
Anonymous
27th Jul 2011 4:49pm
The choice to use Triolets was a great one Eamon, the rhythm of this poem really gives a sense of tossing and turning, in dream-turmoil. I very much liked that aspect of it.
The only line that really stood for me as lacking a little in impact was in Triolet 2, line 6: "smiling,laughing, peace forever". It was a bit weak for me but in fairness I think it conveyed the general idea adequately. Maybe it's because it's a weak rhyme? (thinking out loud)
Overall, more great story-telling, you're always an entertaining read.
The only line that really stood for me as lacking a little in impact was in Triolet 2, line 6: "smiling,laughing, peace forever". It was a bit weak for me but in fairness I think it conveyed the general idea adequately. Maybe it's because it's a weak rhyme? (thinking out loud)
Overall, more great story-telling, you're always an entertaining read.
27th Jul 2011 4:57pm
thanks D.B
smiling,laughing, peace forever
this is a line that i am not entirely happy with,even more so now that you have rumbled it :)
true, it does convey what i was thinking but as you say it could be stronger.i will en-devour to fix this when i can think of something appropriate.
thanks again for your visit.
smiling,laughing, peace forever
this is a line that i am not entirely happy with,even more so now that you have rumbled it :)
true, it does convey what i was thinking but as you say it could be stronger.i will en-devour to fix this when i can think of something appropriate.
thanks again for your visit.
Anonymous
- Edited 14th May 2018 7:37pm
1st Sep 2011 9:33pm
<< post removed >>
1st Sep 2011 9:36pm
Anonymous
- Edited 14th May 2018 7:37pm
13th Sep 2011 7:12pm
<< post removed >>
Anonymous
- Edited 25th Sep 2019 1:37am
21st Mar 2012 9:23am
<< post removed >>
21st Mar 2012 10:25am
Thanks lots Indie.
your stopping by and words are much appreciated
It was the Helsopian who gave me the s.p on writing a Triolet.
your stopping by and words are much appreciated
It was the Helsopian who gave me the s.p on writing a Triolet.
Anonymous
- Edited 21st May 2018 7:36pm
17th Aug 2012 4:33am
<< post removed >>
17th Aug 2012 5:18am
Devlin.
That's the closest interpretation I've seen thus far on this offering.
I must compliment you on your poetical peepers, they do a fine job.
Thank you for stopping by and leaving your thoughts. :)
That's the closest interpretation I've seen thus far on this offering.
I must compliment you on your poetical peepers, they do a fine job.
Thank you for stopping by and leaving your thoughts. :)