deepundergroundpoetry.com
Faded
I fell into the tunnel again,
fade away, slipped away,
scattered my consciousness
again today.
I know the pieces fit.
I lost 3 of them,
Still have another 5
But I haven't come across
the 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th, 13th
14th, 15th or the 16th.
15 steps into hell
for the only step into Heaven.
Prying open the third eye
Fill my emptiness
with enlightenment
as I inhale the intoxicating
smoke of ambition
and once I exhale
the smog of the Boilers of Fear
I die all over again.
fade away, slipped away,
scattered my consciousness
again today.
I know the pieces fit.
I lost 3 of them,
Still have another 5
But I haven't come across
the 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th, 13th
14th, 15th or the 16th.
15 steps into hell
for the only step into Heaven.
Prying open the third eye
Fill my emptiness
with enlightenment
as I inhale the intoxicating
smoke of ambition
and once I exhale
the smog of the Boilers of Fear
I die all over again.
Published 31st Aug 2014
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The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
- Edited 15th Feb 2019 4:35pm
1st Sep 2014 4:15am
<< post removed >>
1st Sep 2014 5:41am
Haha cheers for the comment, I wrote this as I was passing out on synthetic. No wonder it was lazy. Fuckin' wrecked me, write drunk, edit sober.
2nd Sep 2014 2:50am
An abstract thing which is more a conveyance of feeling than a narrative, which isn't a criticism, merely an observation. To beef it up and make it last I'd suggest adding a LITTLE more narrative, however; you can achieve this just by adding a sense of place and a bit more of character. My favourite part was the numbering of the pieces of the narrator's consciousness; by elevating the abstract to the concrete you create interesting irony.
Anonymous
- Edited 16th May 2018 10:06pm
2nd Sep 2014 5:08am
<< post removed >>