Bonsai Tree

How Can I Tell You

I met you in 1991, now that was a good year
In fact it was the most incredible year of my life
I saw you for the very first time
You were what I had been searching for all my life and there you were right in front of me
From the moment I took your glasses off and looked into your amazing eyes
I knew that I was going to spend the rest of my life with you
Our lives were never going to be the same, we were going to look out for each other
No matter how stormy the seas got
Two trees bending in the wind shielding together our special love
It is difficult to explain how you made me feel when I was with you or thinking about you
My heart felt excited, your voice, I just loved hearing your voice, I loved watching you move
You empowered me and I performed at my best for you, just for you
I imagined you at my side and that felt so special
There were so many things I wanted to show you, so many things to learn about you
So many things that had held you back, I was going to empower you and ennoble you
I saw two women before me, one who you were and who you were going to become
You were trapped and unfulfilled doing what was expected of you
Inside you were Shirley Valentine looking at the world from a cage
An intelligent lady with no one to share ideas soon gets frustrated
You knew there was more to life than this so you bided your time and the years rolled on and on
Until we met in 1991 you were stuck in a rut knowing there was more to life than this
But as you went through the motions you dared to dream, you dared to look outside and wonder
You were like a tree bending in the wind searching
That is why 1991 the year we met was a good year, in fact it was a fantastic year

Have I ever told you of how significant you are to me
You are more important to me than my children
My life without you in its centre is worthless
The feelings I have for you are so intense at times it hurts
I know that before we married I let you down
My core standards I blew to smithereens
Not because I could, but because of a fault in my head
That is not an excuse, it is a reason
I saw the hurt in your eyes, it haunts me
To hurt the one person you love is abuse
I know I made you cry and I feel nothing but abject shame
I learned that you deserve better, I knew you were deeply hurt
You felt betrayed by the one person you trusted, I  almost lost you
Did you know that I cried too, a lot
In my private moments I was shaking my head in disbelief
Why did I do it, what was driving me, I did not know I had this in me
Selfish, contemptible, deceitful, who was that man?
I looked in the mirror and did not see the man who fell in love with you
That man who spoke from his heart and meant every word
You fulfilled a need in me by your complete trust
I was fulfilled and content
Instead I saw that a mask had fallen and that I was not profoundly intelligent
But deeply stupid and contemptible
Anyone can make a mistake but I could not rationalise doing something I knew would hurt you
I will not and cannot defend the indefensible
I was wrong and cruel, there is no rhyme, no reason and no acceptable excuse  
I missed you, I realised that I had damaged the complete trust you placed in me
You would never do such a thing to me
If you did I would be devastated, just as you were
They say time is a great healer, but it merely makes the memories distant
Or hides them from the forefront of your mind
In future you would always hold a little back
Our relationship would be stuck at 11.55pm
You would always be able to remind me how I had breached your total trust
That hurts, in fact it cuts deep into my soul
Occasionally you remind me, it is a defence mechanism
Confronting me with my past really hurts because it reveals that you have not forgiven me
It is still there, like a gap between us at 11.55pm
Getting back that last five minutes to get to midnight was our mutual quest
Me because I had to, you because you could
The greatest gift we can give each other is that of forgiveness
We both have faults although I struggle to understand what yours are
You have given a great strength to me
The more difficult question is can I forgive myself
The short answer is that I cannot forgive what is unforgivable
What I did to you was unimaginably cruel and disrespectful
I know that the man who did those things is not cruel he was thoughtless
No that does not cut it, he was reckless and frankly stupid.
We made it through the storm but our relationship was harmed
Irreparably or not only time could tell, what had I placed at risk
What sort of sick person would sully the purity of the love we had
I felt the same way about you, but you could never feel the same way about me
In fact being honest I did not feel the same way about you
Somehow I had let go of your hand and fallen down a cliff
I had to climb back up battered and bruised only to see you alone, frightened and weeping
Around you were people from your life mocking you, I told you so, you have only yourself to blame
You looked confused and frightened and you were looking around, looking past the mockery
Looking for me, I could see you but you could not see me
Guilt is like grief I looked at the ashes of our love and was horrified
We were at 11.55pm and somehow we had to get to midnight
I thought long and hard about how we would get back everything we had
There was no quick fix, our relationship could survive this earthquake
But we would both have to change
We would be stronger for it, just like a welder strengthens the joint
We could put the past on a train and send it away
Yet neither wanted to forget how we forged our love and those special memories
The sad thing is that we had moved away from each other for a necessary period we were two trees Constantly watching each other, looking out for each other, contemplating how to rediscover our love
We just wanted to excise the painful bits, the mistakes, the wrongdoing, the selfish thoughtfulness
Our future was uncertain so long as we were not as one with each other

Marrying you was just the start.  
I made vows to you, vows I have kept and again I promise you, I will keep
Trust is something that has to be grown and it takes time to rebuild
I know what it was like before, we both did, it was going to be a matter of time and we had to be patient with each other
Our marriage was like planting a special bonsai tree, strong and full of life
The soil was represented by the years 1991 to 2001
Our special bonsai tree has grown and it not only has strong roots it has a sturdy trunk  
A tree built to last and it will last for our lifetime and between us we will leave a legacy
This is the foundation of us, of our love for each other
Two very special people who need each other and who will always look out for each other
When we married we reset the clock
We got to midnight and began a fresh journey an exciting journey with no looking back.
It was going to take some time to get back to where we were but that's was something to work for
It was always going to be a matter of time and this time it was going to be better, in fact much better
I now know what I want from you and you know what it means to me
In my mind I want you to glow with inner confidence and self assurance
I plan to take you around the world with no eye on the budget to provide for your every need
To keep you in the manner which you deserve and for which you have earned
I want to dress you from head to toe from places we have yet to discover
You will never be spoiled because you are better than that
I plan to restore your dignity and self esteem because I know who you are and who you want to be