On Suicide And Robin Williams(TRIGGER  WARNING)

 Ok, I haven’t spoke of the death of Robin Williams, at all. Because it actually hurt me quite deeply. I didn’t know the guy, but he has been a staple for both entertainment and serious food for both emotional and cerebral thought in my life. I pulled a gun out of my mouth at 13 because of becoming upset at the mess my parents would find when they came home, and what that would do to them. I wanted to die, not cause harm to others. When I realized one would cause the other, I desisted, painfully. I became what a lot of us called a “hope to die motherfucker” well into my thirties. I worked it out, I got through with the idea of dying.

Why?

Because I found out that I actually had something to offer others, that I had way more worth than what I knew. People like Robin made it possible for me to glimpse that within myself by the great acts of beauty, integrity, and humanity they portrayed in their respective arts of expression.

Simply put, I wanted what they had. To see people and the world they did with the wonder and awe they portrayed. Magick.

To see a hero of mine pull his own curtain at sixty three hurt. Not just because what he could do for me as an artist, but what he may have contributed further to humanity, like maybe the chance for some young doctor to come up with the cure for Parkinson’s disease. Think about it. If Robin decided to stay and continue to endure his pain, his illnesses, we ALL may have benefited highly from it.

But, we will never know, because he didn’t stay.

I want to stay out of the arguments of selfishness, stupidity and on the other end as well, of understanding and compassion for the man.

I have both animosity and love for him, and what he did. Mixed feelings, period.

But the facts do not change, and that is he chose to leave, and he isn’t coming back, and we will never, ever know what might have happened if he stayed. Me personally, I am very glad I have stayed. Is it worth it to tough through poverty, illness, depression, all the other heartbreaking elements that have made up PART of my life?

That I don’t know. But what I do know is that it is up to me to make it worth the price, the never-ending fucking price, of being here. It is a choice I make.

Chris Whitenack © 2014