deepundergroundpoetry.com
Bleach
I don't want you to hug me.
Please stop saying you love me.
Just let me drink alone and don't bug me.
Why do you try so hard to calm me down?
I like the sound my heart makes when it pounds.
But I hate the feeling I get in my chest when you hold me.
Your affection makes me uncomfortable.
I just want to leave.
Tonight I want to get so high that I scratch until I bleed.
I can smell snow in the middle of summer.
Doctors finally found out why I'm so messed up,
Guess I didn't get enough affection from my mother.
My brother killed himself in the spring of 2012.
Two years later, here I am, going through the same hell.
So close to happily jumping from the same bridge where he "fell."
You're not family.
You don't have to like me.
You can leave whenever you want and keep on living to spite me.
Please stop soothing me,
I deserve nothing but hell.
Sometimes I forget the hurt and things seem rather swell.
Doctors say I'm crazy.
I'm sure you think I'm nuts.
But for some reason you stay and try to help me from this rut.
I don't want your help.
I hate you when you make me love you.
You know all of my favorite colors and Batman comic book issues.
You know how to make me feel better even when I fight you.
No matter what I do, you love me even when I try to spite you.
You didn't even get irritated that one time I tried to bite you.
Unconditional love makes me scared and queasy.
Everything you do for me seems to come so easily.
From the way you make me dinner and make sure I eat,
To how you tuck me in at night and cuddle me until I'm asleep.
I actually take my medicine when you ask me to.
I'm such a tool.
But you say I deserve the warm, calm, fuzzy feelings that ensue.
I want to hate you, I really do.
I worked so hard to push you away.
But now you've found me again and insist that you'll stay.
That you'll love me and sugar coat my world again.
Sadly, I'm getting used to this feeling in my chest.
Now you can't even leave for an hour without being missed.
Fully dependent now.
You've replaced my dope addiction.
Now your love and affection are my new fixation.
I hate that you love me and keep me more than alive.
I hate that you make life bearable most of the time.
I hate how happy you make me by just existing,
Yet alone how happy I am when you hug and kiss me.
I disgust myself.
Please stop saying you love me.
Just let me drink alone and don't bug me.
Why do you try so hard to calm me down?
I like the sound my heart makes when it pounds.
But I hate the feeling I get in my chest when you hold me.
Your affection makes me uncomfortable.
I just want to leave.
Tonight I want to get so high that I scratch until I bleed.
I can smell snow in the middle of summer.
Doctors finally found out why I'm so messed up,
Guess I didn't get enough affection from my mother.
My brother killed himself in the spring of 2012.
Two years later, here I am, going through the same hell.
So close to happily jumping from the same bridge where he "fell."
You're not family.
You don't have to like me.
You can leave whenever you want and keep on living to spite me.
Please stop soothing me,
I deserve nothing but hell.
Sometimes I forget the hurt and things seem rather swell.
Doctors say I'm crazy.
I'm sure you think I'm nuts.
But for some reason you stay and try to help me from this rut.
I don't want your help.
I hate you when you make me love you.
You know all of my favorite colors and Batman comic book issues.
You know how to make me feel better even when I fight you.
No matter what I do, you love me even when I try to spite you.
You didn't even get irritated that one time I tried to bite you.
Unconditional love makes me scared and queasy.
Everything you do for me seems to come so easily.
From the way you make me dinner and make sure I eat,
To how you tuck me in at night and cuddle me until I'm asleep.
I actually take my medicine when you ask me to.
I'm such a tool.
But you say I deserve the warm, calm, fuzzy feelings that ensue.
I want to hate you, I really do.
I worked so hard to push you away.
But now you've found me again and insist that you'll stay.
That you'll love me and sugar coat my world again.
Sadly, I'm getting used to this feeling in my chest.
Now you can't even leave for an hour without being missed.
Fully dependent now.
You've replaced my dope addiction.
Now your love and affection are my new fixation.
I hate that you love me and keep me more than alive.
I hate that you make life bearable most of the time.
I hate how happy you make me by just existing,
Yet alone how happy I am when you hug and kiss me.
I disgust myself.
Published 18th Aug 2014
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Why, Scenario, luv :-*?
Why do you deserve nothing but hell? And further, why do you disgust yourself?
For years, I apologized for my very existence on this earth, as though I didn't, like every other human being, deserve to exist, breathe air, just be. Finally, finally, I've pretty much ceased apologizing, though sometimes I find it still creeping in.
Certainly, there are reasons why. I wonder if you've reasons for feeling as you do as well. I wonder, too, if critical thought about those reasons might yield interesting perspective as it has done for me. Not easy, nor simple, but fascinating, at times unpacking meaning.
Again, your poems elicit deep thoughts for me. I do hope you'll let me know if you'd rather I cease, luv. :-*
Why do you deserve nothing but hell? And further, why do you disgust yourself?
For years, I apologized for my very existence on this earth, as though I didn't, like every other human being, deserve to exist, breathe air, just be. Finally, finally, I've pretty much ceased apologizing, though sometimes I find it still creeping in.
Certainly, there are reasons why. I wonder if you've reasons for feeling as you do as well. I wonder, too, if critical thought about those reasons might yield interesting perspective as it has done for me. Not easy, nor simple, but fascinating, at times unpacking meaning.
Again, your poems elicit deep thoughts for me. I do hope you'll let me know if you'd rather I cease, luv. :-*
18th Aug 2014 6:55am
I don't really know the answer to those questions, seeing as I'm still trying to figure them out for myself. :P
There's just something about nonexistence and nothingness that fascinates me. The thought of just fading out of the universe completely and becoming absolutely nothing seems quite pleasant, in my opinion. Most days, it's the one thing that keeps me sane.
I seriously love reading all the comments I receive, especially ones that make me think, like yours. :) I find hearing what people have to say extremely interesting, so feel free to say whatever you like on any of my poems.
Keep on keepin' on!
MC
There's just something about nonexistence and nothingness that fascinates me. The thought of just fading out of the universe completely and becoming absolutely nothing seems quite pleasant, in my opinion. Most days, it's the one thing that keeps me sane.
I seriously love reading all the comments I receive, especially ones that make me think, like yours. :) I find hearing what people have to say extremely interesting, so feel free to say whatever you like on any of my poems.
Keep on keepin' on!
MC
Anonymous
- Edited 15th May 2018 00:13am
25th Aug 2014 6:52pm
<< post removed >>
Anonymous
- Edited 15th May 2018 00:13am
25th Aug 2014 7:02pm
<< post removed >>