deepundergroundpoetry.com
priorities
Big R been asking questions
you ever tell lies?
not to make yourself look better
but to protect
someone you care for
even when every ride you pilot
gets hijacked
the conundrum
of are they important enough to take care of?
could they handle
carry the weight you sware is as heavy
as all the guff and grit
you sware you have
or are you just afraid of the bad one can expect after?
maybe we all need some ego--ora detox?
too much red and black
back at
all the black and blue
on the block
take this to the forums now
tell me if you already know what happens next
whether fate is pre determined
or somebody
could talk somebody out of a bad thing
does god play dice?
my boy's lease is running out on his chair
joey mulatto
got a half white/latina sister
nobody spost to know about
i love her
cuz she covers her mouth when she coughs
and doesn't let anybody else
walk her to her car
joey
does a few pale face
straight hair mohawks
on the sly
maybe a lil somethin else
find him in the orange jeep
across from the abandoned car wash
on his break
boss members up
at baton rouge's 100 black men
every wednesday
hard about that pigment
so me and the mexican cousins
float through rome's shop
drop some H
them stupid Ny-Br chicano beats
and get lined up
whenever he gone
police were at the spot yesterday
don't think swat was getting faded
one way or the other
owner screaming something about reparations
big sarge talkin a young mexi caucasian girl
raped
beaten
dragged behind a truck
and some miranda rights
i hope joey got his clippers
you ever tell lies?
not to make yourself look better
but to protect
someone you care for
even when every ride you pilot
gets hijacked
the conundrum
of are they important enough to take care of?
could they handle
carry the weight you sware is as heavy
as all the guff and grit
you sware you have
or are you just afraid of the bad one can expect after?
maybe we all need some ego--ora detox?
too much red and black
back at
all the black and blue
on the block
take this to the forums now
tell me if you already know what happens next
whether fate is pre determined
or somebody
could talk somebody out of a bad thing
does god play dice?
my boy's lease is running out on his chair
joey mulatto
got a half white/latina sister
nobody spost to know about
i love her
cuz she covers her mouth when she coughs
and doesn't let anybody else
walk her to her car
joey
does a few pale face
straight hair mohawks
on the sly
maybe a lil somethin else
find him in the orange jeep
across from the abandoned car wash
on his break
boss members up
at baton rouge's 100 black men
every wednesday
hard about that pigment
so me and the mexican cousins
float through rome's shop
drop some H
them stupid Ny-Br chicano beats
and get lined up
whenever he gone
police were at the spot yesterday
don't think swat was getting faded
one way or the other
owner screaming something about reparations
big sarge talkin a young mexi caucasian girl
raped
beaten
dragged behind a truck
and some miranda rights
i hope joey got his clippers
Published 15th Aug 2014
| Edited 16th Aug 2014
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The author encourages honest critique.
15th Aug 2014 12:45pm
Fuckin' hell John, strong finish. I could go on and on about the finer points but what matters here is the direction your poetry has taken, this piece is a lot darker than your other writes, and a lot more concise without trying to sum up a point. My favourite part of the piece was how you used this following paragraph -
'too much red and black
back at
all the black and blue
on the block'
to bridge between the starting and finishing points, with their own undertones while they're contributing to the general point of your piece. I quite like the colloquial tone you have here, I think you need to balance that colloquial flare with more ordered structure and syntax, you're a million miles further into the art than me, John.
'too much red and black
back at
all the black and blue
on the block'
to bridge between the starting and finishing points, with their own undertones while they're contributing to the general point of your piece. I quite like the colloquial tone you have here, I think you need to balance that colloquial flare with more ordered structure and syntax, you're a million miles further into the art than me, John.
i wouldn't say further bro just different spots..
you are way better at certain stuff than i am.
i still come sloppy.
i still have much work to do.
i feel like the vision is here but def things are missing. it's a balancing act with structure and syntax vs trying to keep that gritty street slang and feel without being too hokey. Be detailed and descriptive but leave some points for the reader to put together without bein lazy...
it's a process man. hopefully i'm goin in the right direction.
thanx for comin through and talkin the piece euan.....
you are way better at certain stuff than i am.
i still come sloppy.
i still have much work to do.
i feel like the vision is here but def things are missing. it's a balancing act with structure and syntax vs trying to keep that gritty street slang and feel without being too hokey. Be detailed and descriptive but leave some points for the reader to put together without bein lazy...
it's a process man. hopefully i'm goin in the right direction.
thanx for comin through and talkin the piece euan.....
Anonymous
- Edited 16th May 2018 3:44pm
16th Aug 2014 3:53am
<< post removed >>
21st Aug 2014 2:51pm
Much of your work lately has felt like pool hall troubadour fare, which is authentic to the feel of every real street.
Anonymous
- Edited 12th Jul 2018 3:39am
27th Aug 2014 11:29am
<< post removed >>