August 14th 2014

So yesterday, and today are both teary days. It's been a while since I've seen one of my friends. They have a tough life. It was amazing to just hang out with them. We kinda just walked, talked and goofed around. It was like I was back in high school. That kinda made me a little sad. I'm now done savoring the sweet moment and drowning in the despair. Anyways, the main reason I'm writing this is because I've made a mistake. So, right when I saw him, my heart raced. At first, I didn't know if it was because of my social anxiety or what. I had a blast with him. We caught up with each other. We somehow got into a conversation that made him tell me he was bi. You probably know where this is going, right? Yeah, that's when it kinda clicked. I realized I was attracted to him. That's not a good thing, mind you. I don't want to have feelings for friends. That makes things complicated. It was the first time in a long time I had those feelings of attraction that strong, like 8 years ago. I had to tell him, but I kinda chickened out then went with a twist on an inside joke. We then parted ways. Later he texted me, asking if that was what I really wanted to say. I then told, and now things are complicated. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm lonely. My girlfriend is leaving tomorrow, and she wants to keep the relationship going. Not sure why, but I'll respect that. I told her that she can still see other people, then I got slapped in the face. She's a good girl, but that makes it much harder for me. It's a trivial matter, I know. But it hurts. I can't sleep. Warm milk, water, showers, and ASMR (Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response; tinges in your ears, head and sometimes body that are caused by certain auditory triggers, which are different for everyone, and there are videos that help set off one's ASMR (ASMR is meant to be relaxing and sleep inducing, which I find it to be)) aren't working. I'm worried, I'm sad, I'm disappointed. I shouldn't have said anything. Reminds me of high school. Somehow, I don't miss this feeling. I'm a shy person, so it takes a lot for me to confess. It's not like I expected him to return feelings or anything, it's just now I don't think that we can be as close as we once were. I want this feeling of attraction to die. But I guess that can't happen over night. Oh my god, I sound and feel like a character from a yaoi manga (Yaoi: Japanese for boy's love and it's a genre of manga that showcases men in sometimes dramatic romance or plain olde romance or plain olde gay sex (Yaoi has this very particular style of story telling that I can related to as of now, which is why I'm referencing it at all)). Also, my old cat, who was back at my parent's place, finally kicked the bucket yesterday. He followed me home on the Christmas Eve of 2005 or sometime before that. He was a stray and then he turned into an amazing house cat. He was my buddy. He would "help" me with my home work, greet me at the door and sometimes, if I was lucky, sleep with me. Not in that way, get your mind out of the gutter! I'll miss him. I can deal with psychical and verbal pain easily, but not emotional pain. Eye rain is falling on my keyboard right now so let's talk about something else. Yes, I'm a sensitive person. Surprise you? It surprised my roommates and my family. They all think I'm cold. They're not wrong, yet they're not right.

On a happier note, in less than four months, I can eat meat again. Yay! I can't wait to eat fried chicken, chicken adobe, fired rice with chicken, a ruben, chicken marsala, ham, bacon, sausage, burgers, and steak. I love chicken. I love it. Oh my god, I can't stand not being able to eat meat again. Fuck you diets!

It's hard to pretend I'm not temporarily depressed, right now. I'm going to go to sleep, hopefully. Have a nice day or morning or night or Tuesday or Saturday or what ever. Fuck emotions. Life would be easier if I were a robot. Maybe not, because calculative thought would kill my soul. Hopefully I'll become stronger after today. I just have to live life lost for right now.