for everyone that i have deeply cared for (however briefly)

 


i have been suffering from lockjaw
a bent knee battle where ive been grinding teeth
in my sleep
screaming names that ive spent months trying to forget
feeling fingers whose taste will
never leave my mouth

and your sharp nails
your coated nails
your dirty grimy FILTHY nails
leave scratches on my palms
(or my inner thighs)
whenever i close my eyes

and there are moments when the sun passes
behind the clouds and there is a FIRE in my heart
that makes my bones brittle
and these moments and this fire and those clouds
they follow me
like dips in loose sand i fall
into memories that i DONT believe were ever meant
to stay


even if letting go were as easy as saying goodbye
it wouldnt have made a difference
i never had that reassurance



there is no one to cover my hands hands when
the pieces are too heavy to pick up

i never knew it had always been this way