FINISHED

She was gone. That's it.
The only part of me that I could call life had shriveled
away to reveal an illusion that was never anything I had
dreamt it to be.
It was finished and I was finished.
I held the shot glass up to my lips. The bourbon sparkled
in the dim bar lights like sweet diamonds of forget.
The pleasant burning flow of peace tickled my throat as
my departed angel drifted further from my mind.
I'll think about her later, I thought, when all of this
is over with.
Later, always later.
I'm busy now trying to block out the pain. I'll get around
to it when I'm finished.
When...
"I'm finished!" I slammed the glass-head down against
the table. Distant laughter surrounded me , hardening in
cruel bursts as it drifted further away from me.
Eddie's hand slapped my shoulder as his scratchy gin-soaked
laugh scraped against my ear.
"Oh no you're not. I got two grand on you, Fucker. You don't
keep going and you will be finished, I promise you that."
I glanced up at the chorus of strangers dancing in a circle
around my head. The random glow of burning cigarettes,
high bills clenched tightly in dark, trembling hands
and the sparkling cynical smiles of overpriced whores
all flashed together like an unfinished collage.
The glasses clanked in the distance as the next round was
prepared. My eyes drifted up to the alcoholic giant
grinning confidently at me from across the table.
So far away. His eyelids sagged unevenly over his glossy lenses,
it was a mirror I didn't feel like looking at.
"NOW!"
The next round cracked down against the table. I snapped it up
even quicker. Numbness. Thoughtless emptiness. I didn't have to
look at any of it.
I watched my opponent slowly raise the poison to his trembling
face as I slid my hand over to a quarter glittering in grime
on the table. It wasn't real money, I thought at the time,
just a dead president on a dead coin, still sticky from an
earlier game of quarters. I spun it on the table, watching it
flicker as Big Johnny swallowed his bourbon, eager for the
real money. He hit his glass against the table, and the weary
coin fell over.
I pulled a photograph out from my pocket and propped it up
against the inverted glass.
"Is that your girl?"
"Was."
"So it seems. I almost feel sorry that you're not gonna win
the money for that engagement ring, but judging by your looks,
she's probably better off."
I snarled softly with a grin. Big Johnny wasn't my enemy.
This was just business, and he probably had a good need for
the winnings, maybe better than my own.
Blank spot.
I couldn't feel my arm as I thrust the liquor to my lips.
My stomach turned as a black wave passed over me.
The spectators roared and the cheerleaders cheered
as the darkness crept away from me. I glanced at Eddie's
wavering image, gritting his teeth, grunting softly at me.
"Just one more, Rob ol' boy, Just one fuckin' more."
"One more" I muttered.
And one more it was. The game was over. Flashing faces and
sputtering sounds phased away into darkness. Sweet nothing.
Finished.