Unsent love letter

I sit here and think about you as I often do and I love the way I feel inspired every time I am with you.
How is it that you managed to accomplish in a few months what I have failed to do in years?
You have no idea what my true feelings are, yet sometimes it feels like you know me better than I know myself.
It is so unbelievably frustrating to want someone so badly, but having no idea if you feel the same.
You sometimes hint at the things I dream about, but I have no idea if you are serious or if you are just thinking out loud like you do sometimes, without knowing what you are saying.
Your brilliance is so damn attractive and you appeal to me on so many levels that it is ridiculous.
We have the deepest connection and we are completely in-sync with one another.
We just click.
We are incredibly comfortable with each other, and yet at the same time the levels of awkwardness can set off cataclysmic events.
You are my first thought when I awake, the first person I greet in the morning and my last thought when I lay in bed at night and the last person I say good night to.
You occupy so much of my time, yet you are not a burden.
You have awoken a joy in me that I thought died long ago.
We just operate on a different level that the other people we know and we just get each other on a level that no one else can understand.
But you keep searching for “the one” like I am invisible, yet you tell me that we energise each other in ways that you thought did not exist.
We avoid calling each other “friend” because we both know we want more, but we search for other connections with people that, seemingly, does not exist.
We carry each other, we praise each other, we comfort each other, we laugh, we play, we plan, we work, we dream…
We operate differently that the rest of the world and joke about being a whole other species from a distant planet, but we were lucky enough to find each other, because there is no one else like us.
We have slept together without a second thought or weirdness, with no expectation of sex or hanky-panky… We just slept.
We cuddle and we wrestle and we talk about so called forbidden subjects because we know that no one else will listen and they will probably call us crazy if they ever heard the things we discuss.
You are the most interesting, amazing man I have ever met.
Your views on life are like you read them from my mind.
You made me trust again after being beaten, broken down, abused, raped and ruined, after my womanhood was taken from me, you made me believe that I am beautiful and interesting and intelligent.
You want my company and my insights and my input is of value to you.
You have no bloody idea how hard I have fought not to fall for you!
But I cannot deny it, I am hopelessly in love with you…
We are two complicated beings indeed… Stubborn to a fault, and apparently our intelligence just seems to be non-existent when it comes to seeing that we are each other’s perfect match.
Neither of us believe in soul mates, but both of us believe that God has decided that our paths should be irrevocably intertwined for the rest of our lives. Yet we do nothing about it…
I know there are some stupid technicalities, that somewhere on a piece of paper I am marked as belonging to someone else, but in our hearts we know that means nothing when we are together.
Because when we are together we forget our fears and we take leaps of faith together and, so far, we have landed on our feet every single time.
Since we’ve met things just started happening like some crazy domino effect where we just go from strength to strength and because we stand together we conquer together.
You have this inner firestorm that rages inside you and I don’t only see it, I feel it.
I feel the changes inside you without you even being near me and you have admitted to me more than once that you cannot fathom how or why, but I calm your soul and fuel your inner fire at the same time, that I create a clarity in your overly active mind that allows you to think clearly and organise your thoughts, ideas and dreams.
And you know that you do the same for me.
We have no secrets from each other, save for me hoping that my true feelings for you are not as obvious as they feel.
I can read you like a book, but your true feelings towards me seem hidden from me…
Is it that the time is not right for us, or, that in His plan for our futures, God has decided to test our resolve and commitments and self-control?
I feel restless and yet content simultaneously. It is unnerving, to say the least.
I know I want more from our relationship, but even though I want it right now, I also feel that right now is probably not the smart thing to pursue.
I don’t even know how to describe it properly! Urgh!!!
You distract me, you frustrate me, you consume my thoughts, and yet I know for a fact that I have never ever before in my life thought more clearly than I am thinking now, I have never been more focused or driven and I certainly have never been this damn ambitious.
What the hell are you doing to me?!
I am living at the edge of two extremes and I love it! I have never felt this alive, invigorated, inspired or happy! How is this possible!?
I joke with you sometimes that you create feelings in others that they themselves do not understand, but that is exactly what you are doing to me!
I don’t know if I should be furious or deliriously thankful, but I know I have thanked you before…
I am enjoying myself more than any normal or sane person should be under the circumstances.
I am caught between screaming my head off and tearing out my hair and dancing for joy while singing sickeningly happy tunes!
The butterflies in my stomach have also decided to go on a full out rampage when you send me a message, look in my direction, smile at me, are in my general vicinity and when I think of you… I can’t eat, yet after years of insomnia I sleep like a baby… I can’t think straight, but I am having the best ideas of my life… I can’t concentrate, yet I am doing more in one day with you on my mind that I did in a month before I knew you… I am totally distracted by you, but my focus is concise and clear…
And the list just keeps going and going and going……
You unbalance me completely but you centre me irrevocably.
This wicked contrast is the most mind boggling, energy sapping experience, yet amazingly epic kick in the ass I have ever had the pleasure of witnessing in my entire life!
You are my muse, my mentor, my rock, my saving grace, my spiritual advisor, my escape, my refuge, my desire…
I want to tell you all these things… But how? The fear of rejection is a horrid bitch indeed.
While watching a movie the other night you laid your head on my chest and asked me why my heart was beating so ferociously… Well… Because you are close to me, because you are holding me, because I am so madly in love with you that just thinking your name puts a smile on my face for hours, because I love you, because you are amazing, because you are beautiful, because I see your grace, because you have healed someone so broken that Humpty Dumpty looked like a piece of cake… Need I go on?
God has granted me the blessing of patience, and for you it seems boundless. I sometimes feel like its running out, yet I don’t freak out about it.
Even though I am writing these words now, and it seems like I am complaining because I don’t have all that I want from you, I am unbelievably blessed and grateful to have you in my life. I am currently happy with the way things are at this moment. I just had to write this and get it out of my system and share it with people who won’t judge me or you, for that matter.
I just had to confess to someone that I am in love with you, that I love you and that having you in my life has healed my broken heart, that you make me happy by just being who you are.
That is the thing I love most about you, you are unapologetically you, nothing more, nothing less…
I pray that someday I can share this with you…
With all the love I possess,
Signed
Your Hopeless Companion