deepundergroundpoetry.com
Bloody Mary
I spackle the gaping drywall hole
You put my head through last Tuesday night
For a moment or two, I think about leaving you
Run away in the middle of the night
I tend the bruises along my backside
Left by the righteous sting of your leather belt
It's what I deserved and though I'm a little unnerved
The punishment served me right
Beat me some more, beat me some more
I'm nothing but your wife's little whore
She ain't around anymore than she was
When she was here
Daddy, sit back and relax
Rest with your feet up in the recliner
While I get myself into the kitchen
Fix you some supper
And get you another beer
Water clears away my tears in the shower
Blood running down bruised inner thighs is pure
Rage escapes through scars and scrapes
Making me pine away for superheroes in capes
But I know what must be done
One bullet
One gun
Is all it would take to set me free
She told me this would finally set me free
The only person who ever looked out for me
That other girl in the mirror who was always here
Daddy,
Let me introduce you to my new friend,
Bloody Mary
bang!
You put my head through last Tuesday night
For a moment or two, I think about leaving you
Run away in the middle of the night
I tend the bruises along my backside
Left by the righteous sting of your leather belt
It's what I deserved and though I'm a little unnerved
The punishment served me right
Beat me some more, beat me some more
I'm nothing but your wife's little whore
She ain't around anymore than she was
When she was here
Daddy, sit back and relax
Rest with your feet up in the recliner
While I get myself into the kitchen
Fix you some supper
And get you another beer
Water clears away my tears in the shower
Blood running down bruised inner thighs is pure
Rage escapes through scars and scrapes
Making me pine away for superheroes in capes
But I know what must be done
One bullet
One gun
Is all it would take to set me free
She told me this would finally set me free
The only person who ever looked out for me
That other girl in the mirror who was always here
Daddy,
Let me introduce you to my new friend,
Bloody Mary
bang!
Published 3rd Aug 2014
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The author encourages honest critique.
3rd Aug 2014 2:48pm
Very interesting it is both Good in imagery and meaning. Though it could use some literately devices. But your poem is still very good in all aspects.
3rd Aug 2014 4:45pm
It's just easier to recommend Maalox for the after effects of reading my stuff.
Thanks for the comments.
Thanks for the comments.
3rd Aug 2014 8:44pm
Magnetron, luv :-* ~
This is quite a distressing portrait you paint and rightfully so. Your technique is good and there are moments of sheer brilliance here:
Beat me some more, beat me some more
I'm nothing but your wife's little whore
She ain't around anymore than she was
When she was here
And
Water clears away my tears in the shower
Blood running down bruised inner thighs is pure
Rage escapes through scars and scrapes
Making me pine away for superheroes in capes
In fact, most of the poem is exceedingly well done.
Yet, I am thrown by this:
Daddy,
Let me introduce to my new friend,
Bloody Mary
bang!
Now, don't get me wrong here. I like poetic device as much as anyone else, but something seems off in this passage. I cannot place what it is. You see, I WANT this to work. I'm just not certain it is. Maybe without the bang? Maybe add "you" to the "Daddy, let me introduce" statement? I don't know, luv. It's maddening.
I'm pondering, though, because this poem is intense and driven and important and it hurts, like crushed glass, like where some of us have been and it needs to be said...
Thank you, luv. :-*
This is quite a distressing portrait you paint and rightfully so. Your technique is good and there are moments of sheer brilliance here:
Beat me some more, beat me some more
I'm nothing but your wife's little whore
She ain't around anymore than she was
When she was here
And
Water clears away my tears in the shower
Blood running down bruised inner thighs is pure
Rage escapes through scars and scrapes
Making me pine away for superheroes in capes
In fact, most of the poem is exceedingly well done.
Yet, I am thrown by this:
Daddy,
Let me introduce to my new friend,
Bloody Mary
bang!
Now, don't get me wrong here. I like poetic device as much as anyone else, but something seems off in this passage. I cannot place what it is. You see, I WANT this to work. I'm just not certain it is. Maybe without the bang? Maybe add "you" to the "Daddy, let me introduce" statement? I don't know, luv. It's maddening.
I'm pondering, though, because this poem is intense and driven and important and it hurts, like crushed glass, like where some of us have been and it needs to be said...
Thank you, luv. :-*
3rd Aug 2014 9:02pm
By God, you are right.
"you" should be in there .....
So many typos ...... I'm falling asleep at the wheel.
"you" should be in there .....
So many typos ...... I'm falling asleep at the wheel.