About my Boyfriend

I will be okay
no matter what happens
because
tonight
he kissed me.

His lips were soft
(could barely feel them)
but warm and sweet
and forced the breath out
of my lungs and tore my chest
wide open and now I know it is
possible to love someone so much
that nothing else matters.

He was sitting beside me.
His body was warm.
I could feel his heartbeat
as he held me.

Why the hell would he
want me?

I don't care. He said he loved
me. I don't need any reasons
tonight. I don't need logic.
Right now, nothing could ever
be better.

He hugged me (more than once)
and kissed me (more than once)
and let me sit on his lap and just
hold him and I was floating.

He didn't seem to notice that I'm
ugly and fat and worthless. I mean,
the way he looked at me-

He said he loved me. Twice yesterday
and once tonight on Facebook as I went
to bed.

I don't care if he doesn't love me.
That was never what I wanted.
I want him to be happy.
That's it.

But he KISSED me. He wanted to. He
asked if he could. Then he pulled
away and smiled and the way he smelled
and I wanted to break down right then and
there and cry and tell him just how badly
I wanted him to leave his other girlfriend for me and just me.

But I didn't.

And you know what? I'm okay. Everything is okay.
Even if he doesn't love me, I'll be okay because
he kissed me. And held me. And made me laugh and
want to cry but that doesn't matter because
he kissed me.

I may be just an unreasonable little girl who
let the wrong guy sweep my off my feet
(the same guy again and again and again)
but I don't care. I know he's going to hurt
me and break my heart but that's okay.
As long as he's happy, whether it be
me or someone else, as long as he's
happy, it's okay.

I know he'll use me.

But he kissed me.

I wonder if he told his other girlfriend
that he loved her too before he went to
bed.

I bet he did. I bet he won't lose a wink
of sleep for doing it.







But
all
that
is
just
fine.

He kissed me. With that, I cannot
die. He's going to hurt like nothing
I can imagine. But I'll get through
the damage.

He kissed me. I kinda hate myself
right now for letting him do this
to me. I don't blame him. I love
him.

I feel 14 years old again.
I turn 18 in a day less than a month.

But everything will be okay. It
has to be. He kissed me.
Does he even miss me?

I think I'm ready for the blood
I'll bleed, the tears I'll weep,
the screams of agony, once he
leaves me.